First thoughts on 2012 and how to fly through it

Ladies and gentlemen passengers,

Welcome aboard your flight through 2012! This should be an unique journey for all. We will stop for connecting flights, we will change routes, experience flux of pleasure to see the clear sky, experience the threat of turbulences to then enjoy the silence again.

Please remember to fasten your seatbelts and remember that there is a right time for everything – sitting down, moving up, having a nice meal, seeing a movie, being let down by a fellow passenger, flirting with the stewards(-esses), putting the blame on the pilot and trying to save the plane:-).

All through this year, as all through life, there will be reasons to smile and to cry, paths backwards as upwards, and nice landings.

There will be a time to come home. And there will be a time to say good bye for you to meet again.

It's been an interesting flight for me this first couple of weeks and although I haven't planned and wouldn't like to plan this year, things have happened anyway and I have reacted. Or took everything in.

2011 was a hard year – lost dear ones, been worried for the ill and wished them to be healthy. Cancelled plans and took a different route as life and chance have asked me.

So in 2012 I didn't and still don't wish to plan. I wish to LIVE. To be healthy. For my dear ones to be healthy.

I started this journey with turbulences of their own kind, but I have my seatbelt on and keep fingers crossed, as keep calm.

How do you say good bye to love? When that is what the circumstances, reality and life ask, as all your others who are there to be cared for, to care for you? I never knew how to break up and I don't know how to do it now. I only know how to love, and loved to be cared for - as it happened.

And when I talk about it, people ask more and try to understand this through their own glasses. But we all see things differently. And we all live differently. So I'd rather shut up, move on, and love for as much longer as I can, as I know...

The thing is, I don't even suffer well. It's been too good. Too white. Too real. For anything that follows to stain it and take the scent of it away.

I'd rather smile and listen to the music. Why don't we talk about something else instead?

Career?

I met success. Such a good feed-back, such an amount of work, people to talk to, to plan, to resource, to look after someone's career. And yet, some people at the top who ought to be there for me would rather take my credit away. Because it feels better to be better. Even when you are not. So then – what is your purpose? And do you think that's gonna make you happy? Indulge then, and, if it starts to smell, I am then out of here.

But let's give it some time – who knows, maybe in the end you can excuse yourself and let me move on to something I know I can be doing.

Or else? In my spare time I have got a community development project. Which I love. I still feel a bit dizzy and wish I could grow it more, with more kindness, with more peace of mind and strategic planning. I really don't want to be rushing into this, I have to be doing it well, enjoy it, let it be my alternative piece of enlightenment when all other work has failed. And this cannot fail, because it has a different, not for profit, purpose.

I dance?

Salsa seems a bit away, I looked to practice and haven't now, that I am looking to move – I have been cross body leading between houses with numbers and post codes. None were my house. So now, thank God, I am moving in with friends.

I hope to dance – it's all I ever enjoy, to keep my body and my mind in action, get gracious, lose weight, practice steps, remember routines, or much better, let myself be lead.

In 2012, I will dance. This for sure, no one can take it away.

I travel?

Less maybe this year but still intense – I have almost 40 days altogether to let myself breathe. And if I don't allow myself and make myself do it, who else will? So, I will do travel. All at low expense, as I need to save more, be more balanced and keep some of the money for when I really do need them.

No plans this year. Just some thoughts. And being open to life, to being oneself, class act or shy child, whenever one feels more like the other.

Fellow passenger, whomever you are, 2012 has started to fly over the time line. And we all fly with it. So, let's fly, let's not not crawl, that's not stylish:-)

If God Will Send His Angels

Nobody else here baby
No one here to blame
No one to point the finger
It's just you and me and the rain

Nobody made you do it
No one put words in your mouth
Nobody here taking orders
When love took a train heading south

It's the blind leading the blond
It's the stuff, it's the stuff of country songs

Hey if God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
And if God will send his angels
Would everything be alright

God has got his phone off the hook, babe
Would he even pick up if he could
It's been a while since we saw that child
Hanging 'round this neighbourhood
You see his mother dealing in a doorway
See Father Christmas with a begging bowl
Jesus sister's eyes are a blister
The High Street never looked so low

It's the blind leading the blond
It's the cops collecting for the cons
So where is the hope and where is the faith
And the love...what's that you say to me
Does love...light up your Christmas Tree
The next minute you're blowing a fuse
And the cartoon network turns into the news

If God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
And if God will send his angels
Where do we go
Where do we go

Jesus never let me down
You know Jesus used to show me the score
Then they put Jesus in show business
Now it's hard to get in the door

It's the stuff, it's the stuff of country songs
But I guess it was something to go on

If God will send his angels
I sure could use them here right now
Well if God would send his angels
Where do we go

I don't want to lie
(Where do we go)
I don't want to have a feel for the song
And I want to love, and I...
(Where do we go)
And I want to feel alone

Moment in time (Aug '11)

We are 8 months through this year and 4 months to go, and I don`t know when those 8 months passed. This is not to say that's by any means a way of measuring life - days and years are invented for us to keep a track of the calendar but surely real time is measured by the tons of meaningful things we do and love in our lifetimes.

I usually balance out at the end of each year between what I have done and what I am yet to do, and I have already started thinking of it now. So I`d rather share it now, when it makes (egoistically) a difference to me. Besides, a critical point I have learnt about during the last few months is to make the days and words count and do things as you feel and when you feel them.

So, I would really like to thank some people for the time they are putting in our relationship. I have been so lucky, life and friends have been so kind to me.

Firstly, I have learnt about being and not being, as one day we ARE - this by no means guarantees us we will be here the next day as well. So we do have to cherish life, people over things, great moments over plans, what we wish for over what we have to do. My grandfather passed away due to cancer. He lead the healthiest life I can imagine at the countryside, yet this happened. And this cannot be questioned. And this cannot be understood. And with this a reality we learnt to deal with and move on as we people have to do at times. There's a gap of time and space and it feels out of this world to visit countryside and for him not to be there. And I wish I could write an entire book about my grandparents' life but for somebody else to tell it to me, it would mean tears. For me – it would mean having a courage I have not yet got.

I now know family is a precious thing - I always knew it but no matter how much you know, you need to make sure you apply what you know, you express yourself and you give your best to be there when it matters.
That too won`t make it easy but it is the best way you can ever live.

Another aspect about life I got to know better this year is misconceptions and social restrictions.
I have applied for an US visa looking to spend a much deserved holiday in the New York Empire state of mind. The application does take time and there`s a sum of money you need you need to pay as well. I was 90% sure I will get it as I have lived in London for more than 3 years and I did work my way to have a good job. But my family is in Romania and apparently I have got no strong social ties in London where I have been permanently employed and where my partner lives. This was a 'no' and I had to deal with it, so I'm changing holiday destination to Portugal.

I am in a place of understanding this year – of giving and trying to stretch my ability to accept. I am in a place of surviving and in a place of making the steps count. I deal with people and I am genuine which at times is not the best thing of all – nice as much as I can, fast as I have to be, rude as I get when I am tensed.

I have learnt to say 'hold' or take a break at times – I had a very full year as I myself made it so, with work, more work, and new work. And now, all I want to do is be a normal working class hero and leave at 5.30 pm so that I can do other things that I dream of doing.

I dream of Village Life.
With VL, I am an entrepreneur 'wanna be' and I am figuring out ways of helping my friend, co- founder and main owner of the association. I am far away and therefore I am going through a feeling of frustration that I cannot do more, that I don't have the time to do more.
Village Life is basically a small (yet great, by the intensity with which we feel it) hope that we can revive the Romanian village and open its green, fresh, arms, to responsible tourists.
I am yet to learn a lot and do a lot – and I am thinking that next year for me it is either promotion, either a 4 day week for me to be able to work on Village Life.
I am in the nowhere and I am complacent of it.

Our 3 years relationship is growing, flourishing, making me strong and more beautiful. But there is no path for us. We walk hand in hand on a straight way and smile at each other, hug each other, enjoy the being. I have not felt a love like this before – with no time limits and with no constraints. I learnt to love and be patient, to think two instead of thinking one, to give my best and be sorry for snapping at, to be kind and be protected. I am yet to learn a lot.
And I have no clue of where I am heading, sitting here in between two worlds – one to which I don't belong and one to which I forgot how to belong.

I want to write much more, more coherent, in a more optimistic way, but I am tired and I need to go to sleep. So I think I will sleep now, and I will go on tomorrow. I always go on tomorrow – we all do.

The only thing that I want to say (write) before that, is that, sometimes in life, people have this weird feeling as if they could cry and yet they are serene, accepting of life and its ways, grateful for what they have got. This is how I feel now so I won't cry. I'll just close my bright eyes and get some rest.

Of Life and Chocolate

Anyone can easily get addicted to chocolate without even questioning why - I personally get this craving that soothes my heart and mind. Yet this is not to be a sort of poem about sweets. This is a set of thoughts about the simple things in life...and inspiration.
Inspiration is like an ever flowing river of calm and ideas gathering in a chain one after the other as if someone has put a precious necklace at a lovely lady’s neck or kissed the think lips of an Asian man.
I get this rarely when I sing a song inside my mind and walk the way home to find some rest.
Life is all in things that happen and therefore we need to move softly taking everything on and having open arms.
That is why I always feel like some soft chocolate is invading my senses and resting at the back of lips making me smile and enjoy.
I have been through a hard time this year, although it doesn`t show. But a friend once said that I will never lose my mind because I always enjoy the small things. So, that what makes me think of chocolate today - soft and tender, not too sweet, not too dark, just the smoothness of a moment overflowing for several seconds.
This is how I now deal with everything and this is how I embrace what happens as if it were desert and final relief.
I have now taken over a new department at work which means I will have to look after 500 people and 15 summer interns which I tend to believe would be a first time special for many. I am a bit scared but also feeling the excitement of a change and of my day being made of people.
A good friend left the firm but I am happy for her. My granddad has left and ever coming back. He also liked chocolate quite a lot.
We are here to enjoy - here to enjoy the summer, the journey home, the chat with the dear ones, the morning hours when the sun is about to shine. We are here to make the best of the ingredients we get to use and I believe the secret is of the recipe is how you make it, not how many things you put in it.
I dare to say as well that falling in love is extremely overrated just the way you'd expect a Harrods chocolate to be better than the others just because it's branded. I love my boyfriend, but he did not come on a white horse, he did not just appear to save me with a kiss - we were both fine by then and had saved ourselves before the other got there.
So we walked the green roads, had breakfast, and met the day after, the days after, the months after. This chocolate that we taste today was not on a shelf out of reach, it was for us to grab it and hold it, cherish it and have it with warm tea.
Love has been a support system for me, as well as the feeling I fed into and looked after for it not to melt, for it not to cool, that`s why it hasn`t been too bad having a cube of its chocolate every morning.
As I get into bed tonight I know one thing about life, so much more than about chocolate - I will always have the right amount of it and mix the right ingredients to make it taste right.

What Do You Want to Do?

Each time I leave my office in More London Place, I take a slow walk to the tube and wonder if this is where I want to be and this is what I want to do.

Maybe this is happening to you too – now, or at times, or maybe you are one of those lucky people to whom this never happens.

I am just reading “Mojo (How to Get It. How to Keep It, How to Get it Back if You Loose It)” by Marshall Goldsmith. M.G. Is an Executive Coach and has become renown for his long experience in this field as well as his previous book “What Got You Here Won't Get You There”.
Basically, his writing style in both of the books, is to present some real situations and real people, with good traits, but who overcome or are yet to overcome a challenge or a moment of low in their lives.
Amongst his examples, the one I have loved the most is that of Dennis Mudd, who inspired a few great people in the becoming. Dennis Mudd appears to have been a man with naturally abundant mojo, who did extremely well his jobs – of roof repairer and diver – with utmost excellence and moreover, with a great love for what he did and the people he encountered.


Since I have read about him, I have made a promise to myself to smile daily, to be open to people and enjoy all the benefits I get from my job, be happy to help, as I have always known myself to be. It is not an easy mission and I wonder how Dennis Mudd did it.
One of the techniques I have used before, while working at Avon in Bucharest is to dump all the worries at the entrance. There used to be a litter bin with an ash tray on top and I used to imagine that I am throwing there all my worries and that I will enjoy all the 8 hours of my work alongside inspiring people.

But you know, when the going gets tough...the story isn't so simple any more. When you have deadlines and people chasing you and a forecast to do on the business for the next week...See? Again I start winging ...but this is just to vent out really. At the end of the day, I have a good job and a good team and I do cherish that. It is just that I don't know where to fit that in the big picture of my life.
In the big picture of my life, it (my life) is dedicated to the others. I have always been annoyingly altruistic and trying to do good until it became too much. If I put a bit a structure into it, maybe I can get to be a good CSR or HR professional.

I am now starting to dream together with Alexandra Vasiliu of a better Romanian tourism and a revival of the village life. The site is to be launched and the project to kick off. And I don't have any credit whatsoever at this stage, but being in touch with Alex has made me remember about our work in AIESEC – it is truly difficult (or so it has been so for me) to fit into a corporate world after doing so much for people with the pure interest of acting as a change agent.

Now, all the work my colleagues do has a number attached to it and everything translates into a figure. My work is organised according to the accounting year and, at the end of the day, I do wonder if I do just about enough for what I get paid. It happens, but this does not blur my vision.

Profession is not about money. It is about the results you bring, changes you bring. I am old enough to lead, but so new to this that in some ways I do follow, until I feel I know the path. Do we ever know the path?

Where I go from here, it is yet to be revealed to me by opportunities I encounter and careful planning. But one thing I do know for sure is: I don't want to be a working class hero. I want to enjoy the ride.

new year, new plans

It so happens that I have read my plans for last year, done through a set of questions which my friend Mer Dinu created in her lifetoolkit.net [add break: please visit!]

It is now time to get into the spirit of 2011 and start the work at full speed. I must admit it is not an easy thing to do, especially after returning from a lovely holiday in Romania, where I felt cosy and where I redisovered the good sides of my country from a more touristic perspective.

Funny enough, most of the things I planned for (or dreamt of, more seriously or not so seriously) really did happen:

- my relationship continued to blossom
- I devoted more time to speaking and catching up with family
- I started a CIPD Talent Mgt qualification
- changed jobs
- started dancing and singing classes.

Now, in 2011, I wish for more peace and soft stuff. I rushed during the past 3 years into becoming someone, but at the end, I'm still me, the one I left in a flat in Tineretului in Bucharest, just a bit posh'ed up.

I have way too many belongings, paper, books, clothes that I need to move from one place to the other when I move. I need a more spiritual life, some sort of fulfilment and meaning.

So, for 2011, I wish:

- to be with Sanjaya
- to visit home at least once in 3 months (i miss my family&friends to all the little bits and pieces)
- to finish with the studies (i must admit i love reading and attending workshops but i am bored with the rest)
- to rediscover London and travel to US, Italy, Cyprus.
- to be the 2nd best of the class in dancing (i'd even say first if i were slimmer)
- shop as little as possible and cherish valuable moments
- start saving for a house

That's about it, in facts...in reality, though, I am in a very soft mood and I am looking to hang out with people who feel soft, at peace, and simple. It's been way to many artefacts for me this year, people showing off (in both the companies I worked with) and people in a hurry.

I would like to make each day of my relationship be special and fresh. For the past 19 months, it always felt fresh and stronger.
I would like to hang out more (or catch up with) Gabiza, Mer, Mo, Alex, Alma, Ana, Ela, Dee, Nico, Coddi, Katie, Nush, Ankita, Marina, Ankit and Amy, Serban, Radu...and many others. I have a look at the pictures on my room walls and that's the time when I really feel rich.

That's about it, in short. And I wish for everyone in 2012 to look back at this year and for it to have been special.

George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"

Moving on it's not an easy thing

This is my last week in Peterbrough, this little place to hide, to work, to live a peaceful life, at times a boring life :-).

I have been longing for a change, for more time - time to dance, to sing, to spend with friends who seem to be away. And now, that change is coming, I must be honest to myself and say I feel unprepared. It's like a car you've been speeding up and once it's on the road, you don't know how to stop it, you don't know how to reduce the speed.

I love my little room, the friends I have made at work, unique people with whom I have shared such dear moments, challenging times, and good lessons to learn. When time comes for me to turn the page, I skim through it again and again and the more I go through it, the more rich it seems to me. And, since I am a people person, their respect for me, their friendship, maybe even affection, become the most important thing. A thing that brings tears in my eyes, a thing that warms up my soul and makes me be stuck in a dear moment of which I need to let go of, but don't entirely feel like.

I need to get boxes to pack my books, my large number of shoes and ear rings, scarfs and paper. A lot of paper. It's amazing how many useful things, and an equal number of useless things we accumulate in life. Each time I move, I tidy up and decide to give away/throw away little parts of me that have now become unimportant.


I look at this picture of me and the Taj Mahal, a person staring at a wonder. It's a place I have seen, been there, travelled that road and never realised the greatness in front of me, the greatness of me being there. Great things are still to come, baby steps and giant steps, long roads to walk, mountains to climb. But this week, this place where I am, where I have spent almost 3 years of my life seems to be the dearest.

I don't know how things will turn out, and this uncertainty leaves space for anything in between. I fill this space with a great deal of respect for those whom I worked with, for the dear friends now scattered all over the world, for the ones with whom I'll do my best to keep in touch. I fill this space with melancholy, with nostalgia and with pride. I fill this space with enormous caring for my colleagues, for people whom I've helped and for the quality of my work.

Music and rain

Here I am on the train again - not for long. Soon this long travel will stop, the pace will slow down and I will get more space for dreaming.

I guess I haven't written for a lot of time – there's been a lot of space filled in with learning from work, from studies, from unusual circumstances. And I stopped having that warm feeling that one gets when one watches the rain drop caressing the window while one has a tea with milk.

I am writing now, letter next to letter covering the soft page on the screen. I have a friend visiting me from Romania. I heard her voice over Sanjaya's phone and it all seemed so sweet, how my life from there gets together with my life from here in harmony. It's making me warm, it's making me smile and get wet eyes.

I am listening Urma – 'Nomad rhymes' and I love it. I have been missing it. My new Sony MP3 it's worth all the money. It brings me music when there's space for everything. Music is, at times, everything.

There was a fire on the railway and there were many trains cancelled. But... I have made it into a delayed one and here I am, on my way again. Life is full of unexpected. I have become fund of the metaphor 'navigational intelligence'. We all need to have it, develop it, as it is not innate.

'Why do we///why do we///why do we live after all? ' You see, there are things only few million people on Earth are aware of. It makes me feel privileged. I have Urma, with music and lyrics I am thoroughly enjoying. I am a Romanian in Peterborough waiting for a late train. I am a Romanian with a lovely Sri Lankan boyfriend meeting her Romanian friends in Leicester Square and having dinner while waiting for her to reach. I am coming from a traditional family, I call my mom and tell her about the delay, about the new prospects in my life about which I am so very happy.

It's a great evening. I stopped reading for assignments, doing reports, checking e-mails. And I have almost a full hour of me and my music. I really hope you get that once in a while. It's like a cosy bed in winter time, like a light cake, like the hug of your granny as a child.

If you miss yourself at times, close your eyes on time and open your soul to music. It's wonderful...it gives me life.

Life's beats are always positive (if you don’t like the first part, the second one ends in a sweet note)

I got back from work today in a "heavy mood" state, but feeling I had done the right thing. For me, the saying ' life is not easy and often unfair' seemed to be more of a cliche unadjusted to modern age.
It is a cliche, but that doesn't make it false. Life is really not easy at times, and decisions are not easy to make either. But from this '0' point where circumstances in life bring you, what can you do? Strive to go up +1 or let yourself fall at -1.
There's this quote which usually brings a fizzy feeling to me and makes me feel better - 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. Take the bitter-sour taste and make it so refreshing it revives your day! That is entirely up to you, not the lemon, not the sugar, not the extra water, but the idea of the mix!

I have got few bad days, when I felt it's either me who is at a wrong place, either the match between the place and me has something missing. I can’t say the week has been gentle to me. It was rather harsh and showing me once more that promotion is the heart of commerce.

I often wonder if I picked the right career or if my career is developing in the right place/country/industry. I don’t have an answer for that. Neither do I need one stringently now. What I need now, is to keep walking – like a little version of Johnny Walker that I am and always have been, at least since I can remember.

I am not a careerist; I am a person of beautiful feelings and good values. I just care about the balance between what goes around and what comes around, and IF what goes around IS what comes around.

Different thoughts…but where’s the gazing? Gazing does living feel good.
So I set myself apart from the weight and took the bus to home, got out a bit earlier these days and started walking, so walking I could see more. You see more when you walk, more of the life you ignore in a chair in front of the laptop.

Few steps and I could not ignore the wonderful sky ahead, covered by a pale burning light coming from a sun setting, a sun smiling slowly as it goes to sleep. The sky is penetrated finally by two white traces left by airplanes…So, here we go – people fly again.
Nature is wonderful and scary at the same time, sooths and punishes without any reason – it just recycles itself while we need to understand and be patient.
I couldn’t pity the people stuck in different places while waiting healthy and alive. I just could pity the inhabitants around the Icelandic volcano, who have nowhere to fly and nowhere to move, chocking with carbon dioxide and ash.

I resume my thought and again I walk…a group of Pakistani boys are playing in the street. One is asking me if I have a cigarette, one is offering a ‘biiig hug’ while he is hugging one of his friends, the others sing something in their language. I smile. I used to be frustrated with these gestures, but looking at them, children growing, I tend to understand. Take it as a joke, man. They take it as a joke too. What to bother about?

I resume my thought and I walk again and there I see a lady carrying the luggage by herself. So, then I wonder why by herself alone and no one is helping and how unfair it is for a lady to carry so much stuff by herself alone. But, as I keep walking and I approach the person I can see he is a Japanese man who lets me go first as he has to move slow, because he is really tired. I keep walking and do not help…and while I walk I get this feeling of caring and feeling bad: I sometimes misjudge and I don’t always help…

I keep walking to home in a greater speed as the wind blows in my face, caressing me with a chilled hand. I want to be home, stop, warm up, sit down…so I walk and I get closer, closer to the lights, passing by the lights, crossing the street and opening the door.
The man I mostly love is on Skype and I want to tell him how much I love him. He has been wonderfully putting up with my emotional fluctuant self for almost 1 year now. Fluctuant – at times; emotional – forever…I need to tell him how I feel in so many ways, so many times, so many words…

Of what I found and what I left behind

Here I am – in Camino, in this thoughtful mood. It happens so rarely lately, therefore I really have got to cherish it :)
Attending a week-end long training programme, I have gone through a lot of games and situations which have reminded me of the times I used to be trained for free, but with a huge value.

I didn’t really feel trained and empowered for a while and this week-end made me think of what it is exactly that I need, want, target. I am not going to describe the training programme at this point. I want to share a bit of what I used to be and who I have got to be, both not necessarily being positive either negative.
Few of the things I used to love doing and for some reason, in the midst of me being here and doing what I do, I forgot about (or lost them in a luggage somewhere at the entrance in London):

- I used to dance, take dancing lessons, meet with my friends from the dancing club and talk about it, dream about it, put it to our use and mostly public’s use ( I must admit even though at that time it didn’t imply any narcistic thought, it pumped my self confidence quite a lot)
- I used to write, quite a lot and of everything. I had published a small brochure along with 5 other colleagues which was quite appreciated in our town at the time. Since then, I have been blogging for almost 5 years without getting any profit out of it
- I used to go to theatre and take acting lessons and, believe me, Romanian actors are great. They love giving of themselves, they read, live and see a lot and they are genuine mentors for our new generations. I used to sit as closely as possible to the stage and absorb words, movements, gestures, mimics.
- I used to coach people next to me, ask questions, I used to listen, give of me and of my experience. Now it is all become more of a ‘I will give my best to place you into a project’ thing which I always do with all associates I am interacting with.
- And MOST IMPORTANTLY I used to have weekly discussions with my family and grandparents and get as much wisdom as we could, enjoying songs and different forms of art with which I grew up, which have been part of me and my education, making me a better person or at least making me wish to be a better person.

All these started fading away at some point when I got into this new culture where I felt like I needed to show people who I am, where for some reason I felt quite under-estimated in the beginning.
In the last few days people have called me ‘beautiful’, a word with which I have been associated rarely before. And instead of thanking from all my heart (I have said ‘thank you’ more in a formal way) I kind of felt wrong and not at ease. I wanted to be called ‘smart’, ‘strong’, ‘successful’, ‘kind’, ‘passionate’, anything else which is not connected to my physical appearance.

I have now become an HR Executive, a person of words as much as of actions:

- I like taking decisions and being consulted on decision and many times I am surprised to see how much I started caring about my ego and opinion in a way I had not done before
- I talk a lot on the phone and I am too busy that by 6pm I feel I still have got so much to do – but thinking of it, if there wasn’t so much to do, maybe there wouldn’t be a job for me either
- I became more conventional and polite, keeping people at a good distance and selecting very carefully before I chose a one single friend
- I cherish my memories and in some way, because of that, I don’t give enough of space to exploring and meeting new people. I show trust rarely and most of my friends in UK have chosen me, I am not entirely sure I have chosen them at that time, but I am so happy to have them
- I spend most of my time at work, and very few of my time dancing or at the gym and I miss arts in a way I had never imagined I would
- I don’t dream as much, but I plan a lot – and what is planning without dreaming?

I guess I grew up. There’s fewer of a child in me now, so I need to get into an alert mode and go look for the child I used to be – lively and full of trust, in love with the un-conventional, bubbly, walking through the park and enjoying.

I am happy, holding on to the precious people and things which have been offered to me, and I am sure I am doing well.

I grew up, developed my communication skills, my business acumen and my ability to plan and get better overview. I have become ‘experienced’, professional, less emotional. Yet, I would still wish I were more enthusiastic than experienced and not dedicate full time to my work, but still keep with me those little things which used to make me happy.

I guess there is a time in life when we ought to stretch not only forward, but go back a little, remember what we valued and what used to make us happy and grab those things from there to project or apply them to the present.

I don’t see why it shouldn't be possible…

Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch On the Oprah Winfrey Show

a must see!

My 2009 – thoughts and feelings

It’s in the habit of us people – especially the goal oriented ones – to draw a line and sort of calculate where we are after the previous year and what we want to achieve in the next one.

At the end of last year, I looked at my life objectively and decided to make 2009 a year of calculation and moderation.

This is what happened during the year, in short:
- Got a contract extension at the beginning of the year
- Travelled to Netherlands where I found dear friends whom are part of my spiritual family and make me feel like home
- Spent Easter with my family and then travelled to India. At 12 am while on the train I got a phone call and got the good news that I’ve become a permanent employee
- I visited Munich in May where Mada was a great guide for me and Ankita
- In June I met Sanjaya at an AIESEC boat party. He has since then been with me in all the good and the bad, showing me what a real and strong relationship means
- From June to December I enjoyed travelling to Paris, Brussels, Barcelona and Budapest, plus several cities in UK
- In September I started getting a lot more responsibility at work and got the freedom to organise events. I am also handling the relationship with a major ramping up account and it is a challenge, especially due to their style of leadership.
- I have been there for my family in very difficult times throughout the year and even though it pained a lot it made us stronger and happy together

2009 has offered me a lot more than I had expected of it and it has also been a demonstration that, at times, it is way better you do what you feel is right and what your heart tells you rather than hurry into judging. It is also highly important to care for your family and take care if each individual.

My personality has developed through caring and travelling a lot, through reading, talking to people whom I trust and working a lot (maybe more than normal).
Two messages that I would like to share with my friends are:
1) I will always cherish them; no matter if we don’t get to meet because of lack of time, no matter if I can’t always be there, no matter if they unintentionally hurt me.
2) Life is short but it comes with a lot of lessons. We lose dear people; we are there when a child gets born. We share a tear openly, to vent out, and we share a tear in the corner of a room. But we are never ever lonely. We have the dear people, we have faith, and we have God. So we should keep driving our lives in hope and understanding.

The major things I would like to do in 2010 are:
1) Develop more. This time through dedicated programs and less through travelling. I will spend more time at home, study, read, be together with the dear ones
2) Balance life. I will try to find a new role where I get more equilibrium between my work and my personal life, more time to integrate one and the other.
3) Give and ask for more love. Love is part of our lives under different forms even if we don’t get to ‘measure’ it, even if we don’t get to express it. I will choose to express more of it, under as many forms as I can.
4) I will try to make the first step to fulfil one of my dreams since university – have a family business
5) I will dance more. Starting January I will join salsa lessons and hope to become again the passionate, talented but also disciplined girl I used to be.

These are my feelings about the upcoming year. And although I am quite high on expectations, I will try to deal well with the unexpected as well as welcome positive surprised to my life.

All the best you in 2010!

Contemplating Future

Out of all the inspirational speeches and books I have (re-)heard or (re-)read lately, two are making me think about aspects of my life:

- Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford
- Seth Godin’s The Dip

Taking fragments from these and looking back/into the future, I understand better where I am, how I have reached here and where I am heading to. Few are the points I would like to highlight and share with whomever might have the patience:).

The essential idea is to contemplate your future, give some time to set a plan and put it in place, but while getting steps arranged not forget about dreaming.
Just the way Steve Job puts it – dots will eventually connect in the future. You have to move forward and believe in your strengths.
In Seth Godin’s book, that means struggling to get over the Dip, deciding when to quit and when to run that extra mile which separates the excellent from the normal.

When I look back, no matter how displeased I am with the volume I have to cope with at work, I feel proud I have learnt out of my frustrations, out of the differences between me and my team, out of my anxiety of not being able to do a different kind of job.
It’s very easy to walk away when things get hard on your knees, thing about which I have thought more than once. But if you do, how will you know what would have happened if you stayed? That is how I stayed for some time. The volume of work keeps growing, but I learnt how to cope with stress, with ideas I don’t agree with, how to cope with financial crisis from an HR point of view, how to look at a business from the strategic point of view, how to work with numbers, etc.
Visualising or even contemplating your future and being committed to one’s tasks is the key to pulling it through. Not commiserating, not feeling sorry, but taking things with a bit of humour and fantasy.

The second idea is contradicting the old saying ‘don’t mix pleasure with business’. Well, for most of the successful people I have met, their business is their pleasure. They enjoy what they are doing and they sell enjoyment to others. Be it in an NGO working to change things for the better, be it a great site they are creating, be it giving training and coaching or even working in an ice cream factory, all of these come out of pleasure and give pleasure to the ones they are addressing to.
My whole job description might not be a list of things I entirely love to do, but if I extract out of it what exactly gives me pleasure and through which actions exactly I create pleasure for the others, then I can organise so as to achieve my goals but also feel fulfilled.

The third idea is: there is no separation between personal and professional life or if it exists and they are being kept separate in some aspects, they do interfere with each other at a point. If you are not a good person and are looking only for profit, people will notice that, as people can’t be fooled on a long term.

Most of the great managers I have met, take the time to give feed-back and coaching to their colleagues, are honest in their approach and modest in doing their work, even if they know how to brand it nicely. These are people who do not only target to become leaders and be paid better so that they can support their families but also like to bring an added value in each work/business relationship. They are role models and people you like doing business with, while the others are just managers.

The fourth idea is related to life in general and the way we get to meet and stick with people. You can then look at your life as if it were the house you are living in. Before complaining about it, just ask yourself first how often do you invest in it, how often you clean it and how organised you keep it for it to be able to welcome new people and make them feel good.
Since I am in a relationship, I get to learn and live a lot. I make sure my life is as tidy as I can get it for the other person to enjoy being here. I ask myself how much I am giving, if I can put a bit of extra effort, if I accept as much as I am accepted.

Making this short article rounded, I am going to the first idea – contemplating future. Essentially, I don’t think anyone likes spending their lives alone. And neither did I. Several times I had tried to envision what I want, what I expect and how I can offer of me to someone else.
Trying to get there might get you a bit of kicks in the head. But if you look into the future and keep your life-house clean, there will be plenty of space for people to step in. Because when they do, they might bring more light and balance. And so will you in return.

The Meaning and Melody of Us

You walked me through the summer and covered me in autumn,
You waltzed me and you warmed me and so the bad forgotten.
You held my arms and kissed my eyes and sang the tears away,
You read for me and read through me and got me in to stay.

You never offered kingdoms but travelled me the world,
You taught me how to speak without saying a word.
We whispered and we laughed, we wrote a little story,
We shared so many ‘thank you’s and never said we’re sorry.

We climbed a little hill; we neared the pebble beach to kiss the sea,
We shared the music, shared the sun and shared the way to be.
I dream your dreams and share your thoughts and speak a word so free
I never flew with unknown wings and enjoyed being me.

I’ll walk you through the autumn and warm you up in winter,
I’ll laugh and smile and light my eyes for you to see their glitter.
I’ll hold your arms and kiss your eyes and sing the tears away,
I’ll read for you and read through you and get you in to stay.