[ The Refugee Thoughts ]

First thoughts on 2012 and how to fly through it

2012-01-17T02:16:00.002+02:00

Ladies and gentlemen passengers,

Welcome aboard your flight through 2012! This should be an unique journey for all. We will stop for connecting flights, we will change routes, experience flux of pleasure to see the clear sky, experience the threat of turbulences to then enjoy the silence again.

Please remember to fasten your seatbelts and remember that there is a right time for everything – sitting down, moving up, having a nice meal, seeing a movie, being let down by a fellow passenger, flirting with the stewards(-esses), putting the blame on the pilot and trying to save the plane:-).

All through this year, as all through life, there will be reasons to smile and to cry, paths backwards as upwards, and nice landings.

There will be a time to come home. And there will be a time to say good bye for you to meet again.

It's been an interesting flight for me this first couple of weeks and although I haven't planned and wouldn't like to plan this year, things have happened anyway and I have reacted. Or took everything in.

2011 was a hard year – lost dear ones, been worried for the ill and wished them to be healthy. Cancelled plans and took a different route as life and chance have asked me.

So in 2012 I didn't and still don't wish to plan. I wish to LIVE. To be healthy. For my dear ones to be healthy.

I started this journey with turbulences of their own kind, but I have my seatbelt on and keep fingers crossed, as keep calm.

How do you say good bye to love? When that is what the circumstances, reality and life ask, as all your others who are there to be cared for, to care for you? I never knew how to break up and I don't know how to do it now. I only know how to love, and loved to be cared for - as it happened.

And when I talk about it, people ask more and try to understand this through their own glasses. But we all see things differently. And we all live differently. So I'd rather shut up, move on, and love for as much longer as I can, as I know...

The thing is, I don't even suffer well. It's been too good. Too white. Too real. For anything that follows to stain it and take the scent of it away.

I'd rather smile and listen to the music. Why don't we talk about something else instead?

Career?

I met success. Such a good feed-back, such an amount of work, people to talk to, to plan, to resource, to look after someone's career. And yet, some people at the top who ought to be there for me would rather take my credit away. Because it feels better to be better. Even when you are not. So then – what is your purpose? And do you think that's gonna make you happy? Indulge then, and, if it starts to smell, I am then out of here.

But let's give it some time – who knows, maybe in the end you can excuse yourself and let me move on to something I know I can be doing.

Or else? In my spare time I have got a community development project. Which I love. I still feel a bit dizzy and wish I could grow it more, with more kindness, with more peace of mind and strategic planning. I really don't want to be rushing into this, I have to be doing it well, enjoy it, let it be my alternative piece of enlightenment when all other work has failed. And this cannot fail, because it has a different, not for profit, purpose.

I dance?

Salsa seems a bit away, I looked to practice and haven't now, that I am looking to move – I have been cross body leading between houses with numbers and post codes. None were my house. So now, thank God, I am moving in with friends.

I hope to dance – it's all I ever enjoy, to keep my body and my mind in action, get gracious, lose weight, practice steps, remember routines, or much better, let myself be lead.

In 2012, I will dance. This for sure, no one can take it away.

I travel?

Less maybe this year but still intense – I have almost 40 days altogether to let myself breathe. And if I don't allow myself and make myself do it, who else will? So, I will do travel. All at low expense, as I need to save more, be more balanced and keep some of the money for when I really do need them.

No plans this year. Just some thoughts. And being open to life, to being oneself, class act or shy child, whenever one feels more like the other.

Fellow passenger, whomever you are, 2012 has started to fly over the time line. And we all fly with it. So, let's fly, let's not not crawl, that's not stylish:-)

If God Will Send His Angels

2011-10-16T17:08:00.001+03:00

Nobody else here baby
No one here to blame
No one to point the finger
It's just you and me and the rain

Nobody made you do it
No one put words in your mouth
Nobody here taking orders
When love took a train heading south

It's the blind leading the blond
It's the stuff, it's the stuff of country songs

Hey if God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
And if God will send his angels
Would everything be alright

God has got his phone off the hook, babe
Would he even pick up if he could
It's been a while since we saw that child
Hanging 'round this neighbourhood
You see his mother dealing in a doorway
See Father Christmas with a begging bowl
Jesus sister's eyes are a blister
The High Street never looked so low

It's the blind leading the blond
It's the cops collecting for the cons
So where is the hope and where is the faith
And the love...what's that you say to me
Does love...light up your Christmas Tree
The next minute you're blowing a fuse
And the cartoon network turns into the news

If God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
And if God will send his angels
Where do we go
Where do we go

Jesus never let me down
You know Jesus used to show me the score
Then they put Jesus in show business
Now it's hard to get in the door

It's the stuff, it's the stuff of country songs
But I guess it was something to go on

If God will send his angels
I sure could use them here right now
Well if God would send his angels
Where do we go

I don't want to lie
(Where do we go)
I don't want to have a feel for the song
And I want to love, and I...
(Where do we go)
And I want to feel alone

Moment in time (Aug '11)

2011-09-06T01:42:00.002+03:00

We are 8 months through this year and 4 months to go, and I don`t know when those 8 months passed. This is not to say that's by any means a way of measuring life - days and years are invented for us to keep a track of the calendar but surely real time is measured by the tons of meaningful things we do and love in our lifetimes.

I usually balance out at the end of each year between what I have done and what I am yet to do, and I have already started thinking of it now. So I`d rather share it now, when it makes (egoistically) a difference to me. Besides, a critical point I have learnt about during the last few months is to make the days and words count and do things as you feel and when you feel them.

So, I would really like to thank some people for the time they are putting in our relationship. I have been so lucky, life and friends have been so kind to me.

Firstly, I have learnt about being and not being, as one day we ARE - this by no means guarantees us we will be here the next day as well. So we do have to cherish life, people over things, great moments over plans, what we wish for over what we have to do. My grandfather passed away due to cancer. He lead the healthiest life I can imagine at the countryside, yet this happened. And this cannot be questioned. And this cannot be understood. And with this a reality we learnt to deal with and move on as we people have to do at times. There's a gap of time and space and it feels out of this world to visit countryside and for him not to be there. And I wish I could write an entire book about my grandparents' life but for somebody else to tell it to me, it would mean tears. For me – it would mean having a courage I have not yet got.

I now know family is a precious thing - I always knew it but no matter how much you know, you need to make sure you apply what you know, you express yourself and you give your best to be there when it matters.
That too won`t make it easy but it is the best way you can ever live.

Another aspect about life I got to know better this year is misconceptions and social restrictions.
I have applied for an US visa looking to spend a much deserved holiday in the New York Empire state of mind. The application does take time and there`s a sum of money you need you need to pay as well. I was 90% sure I will get it as I have lived in London for more than 3 years and I did work my way to have a good job. But my family is in Romania and apparently I have got no strong social ties in London where I have been permanently employed and where my partner lives. This was a 'no' and I had to deal with it, so I'm changing holiday destination to Portugal.

I am in a place of understanding this year – of giving and trying to stretch my ability to accept. I am in a place of surviving and in a place of making the steps count. I deal with people and I am genuine which at times is not the best thing of all – nice as much as I can, fast as I have to be, rude as I get when I am tensed.

I have learnt to say 'hold' or take a break at times – I had a very full year as I myself made it so, with work, more work, and new work. And now, all I want to do is be a normal working class hero and leave at 5.30 pm so that I can do other things that I dream of doing.

I dream of Village Life.
With VL, I am an entrepreneur 'wanna be' and I am figuring out ways of helping my friend, co- founder and main owner of the association. I am far away and therefore I am going through a feeling of frustration that I cannot do more, that I don't have the time to do more.
Village Life is basically a small (yet great, by the intensity with which we feel it) hope that we can revive the Romanian village and open its green, fresh, arms, to responsible tourists.
I am yet to learn a lot and do a lot – and I am thinking that next year for me it is either promotion, either a 4 day week for me to be able to work on Village Life.
I am in the nowhere and I am complacent of it.

Our 3 years relationship is growing, flourishing, making me strong and more beautiful. But there is no path for us. We walk hand in hand on a straight way and smile at each other, hug each other, enjoy the being. I have not felt a love like this before – with no time limits and with no constraints. I learnt to love and be patient, to think two instead of thinking one, to give my best and be sorry for snapping at, to be kind and be protected. I am yet to learn a lot.
And I have no clue of where I am heading, sitting here in between two worlds – one to which I don't belong and one to which I forgot how to belong.

I want to write much more, more coherent, in a more optimistic way, but I am tired and I need to go to sleep. So I think I will sleep now, and I will go on tomorrow. I always go on tomorrow – we all do.

The only thing that I want to say (write) before that, is that, sometimes in life, people have this weird feeling as if they could cry and yet they are serene, accepting of life and its ways, grateful for what they have got. This is how I feel now so I won't cry. I'll just close my bright eyes and get some rest.

Of Life and Chocolate

2011-07-07T02:07:00.000+03:00

Anyone can easily get addicted to chocolate without even questioning why - I personally get this craving that soothes my heart and mind. Yet this is not to be a sort of poem about sweets. This is a set of thoughts about the simple things in life...and inspiration.
Inspiration is like an ever flowing river of calm and ideas gathering in a chain one after the other as if someone has put a precious necklace at a lovely lady’s neck or kissed the think lips of an Asian man.
I get this rarely when I sing a song inside my mind and walk the way home to find some rest.
Life is all in things that happen and therefore we need to move softly taking everything on and having open arms.
That is why I always feel like some soft chocolate is invading my senses and resting at the back of lips making me smile and enjoy.
I have been through a hard time this year, although it doesn`t show. But a friend once said that I will never lose my mind because I always enjoy the small things. So, that what makes me think of chocolate today - soft and tender, not too sweet, not too dark, just the smoothness of a moment overflowing for several seconds.
This is how I now deal with everything and this is how I embrace what happens as if it were desert and final relief.
I have now taken over a new department at work which means I will have to look after 500 people and 15 summer interns which I tend to believe would be a first time special for many. I am a bit scared but also feeling the excitement of a change and of my day being made of people.
A good friend left the firm but I am happy for her. My granddad has left and ever coming back. He also liked chocolate quite a lot.
We are here to enjoy - here to enjoy the summer, the journey home, the chat with the dear ones, the morning hours when the sun is about to shine. We are here to make the best of the ingredients we get to use and I believe the secret is of the recipe is how you make it, not how many things you put in it.
I dare to say as well that falling in love is extremely overrated just the way you'd expect a Harrods chocolate to be better than the others just because it's branded. I love my boyfriend, but he did not come on a white horse, he did not just appear to save me with a kiss - we were both fine by then and had saved ourselves before the other got there.
So we walked the green roads, had breakfast, and met the day after, the days after, the months after. This chocolate that we taste today was not on a shelf out of reach, it was for us to grab it and hold it, cherish it and have it with warm tea.
Love has been a support system for me, as well as the feeling I fed into and looked after for it not to melt, for it not to cool, that`s why it hasn`t been too bad having a cube of its chocolate every morning.
As I get into bed tonight I know one thing about life, so much more than about chocolate - I will always have the right amount of it and mix the right ingredients to make it taste right.

What Do You Want to Do?

2011-04-07T00:39:00.002+03:00

Each time I leave my office in More London Place, I take a slow walk to the tube and wonder if this is where I want to be and this is what I want to do.

Maybe this is happening to you too – now, or at times, or maybe you are one of those lucky people to whom this never happens.

I am just reading “Mojo (How to Get It. How to Keep It, How to Get it Back if You Loose It)” by Marshall Goldsmith. M.G. Is an Executive Coach and has become renown for his long experience in this field as well as his previous book “What Got You Here Won't Get You There”.
Basically, his writing style in both of the books, is to present some real situations and real people, with good traits, but who overcome or are yet to overcome a challenge or a moment of low in their lives.
Amongst his examples, the one I have loved the most is that of Dennis Mudd, who inspired a few great people in the becoming. Dennis Mudd appears to have been a man with naturally abundant mojo, who did extremely well his jobs – of roof repairer and diver – with utmost excellence and moreover, with a great love for what he did and the people he encountered.

Since I have read about him, I have made a promise to myself to smile daily, to be open to people and enjoy all the benefits I get from my job, be happy to help, as I have always known myself to be. It is not an easy mission and I wonder how Dennis Mudd did it.
One of the techniques I have used before, while working at Avon in Bucharest is to dump all the worries at the entrance. There used to be a litter bin with an ash tray on top and I used to imagine that I am throwing there all my worries and that I will enjoy all the 8 hours of my work alongside inspiring people.

But you know, when the going gets tough...the story isn't so simple any more. When you have deadlines and people chasing you and a forecast to do on the business for the next week...See? Again I start winging ...but this is just to vent out really. At the end of the day, I have a good job and a good team and I do cherish that. It is just that I don't know where to fit that in the big picture of my life.
In the big picture of my life, it (my life) is dedicated to the others. I have always been annoyingly altruistic and trying to do good until it became too much. If I put a bit a structure into it, maybe I can get to be a good CSR or HR professional.

I am now starting to dream together with Alexandra Vasiliu of a better Romanian tourism and a revival of the village life. The site is to be launched and the project to kick off. And I don't have any credit whatsoever at this stage, but being in touch with Alex has made me remember about our work in AIESEC – it is truly difficult (or so it has been so for me) to fit into a corporate world after doing so much for people with the pure interest of acting as a change agent.

Now, all the work my colleagues do has a number attached to it and everything translates into a figure. My work is organised according to the accounting year and, at the end of the day, I do wonder if I do just about enough for what I get paid. It happens, but this does not blur my vision.

Profession is not about money. It is about the results you bring, changes you bring. I am old enough to lead, but so new to this that in some ways I do follow, until I feel I know the path. Do we ever know the path?

Where I go from here, it is yet to be revealed to me by opportunities I encounter and careful planning. But one thing I do know for sure is: I don't want to be a working class hero. I want to enjoy the ride.

new year, new plans

2011-01-06T01:41:00.000+02:00

It so happens that I have read my plans for last year, done through a set of questions which my friend Mer Dinu created in her lifetoolkit.net [add break: please visit!]

It is now time to get into the spirit of 2011 and start the work at full speed. I must admit it is not an easy thing to do, especially after returning from a lovely holiday in Romania, where I felt cosy and where I redisovered the good sides of my country from a more touristic perspective.

Funny enough, most of the things I planned for (or dreamt of, more seriously or not so seriously) really did happen:

- my relationship continued to blossom
- I devoted more time to speaking and catching up with family
- I started a CIPD Talent Mgt qualification
- changed jobs
- started dancing and singing classes.

Now, in 2011, I wish for more peace and soft stuff. I rushed during the past 3 years into becoming someone, but at the end, I'm still me, the one I left in a flat in Tineretului in Bucharest, just a bit posh'ed up.

I have way too many belongings, paper, books, clothes that I need to move from one place to the other when I move. I need a more spiritual life, some sort of fulfilment and meaning.

So, for 2011, I wish:

- to be with Sanjaya
- to visit home at least once in 3 months (i miss my family&friends to all the little bits and pieces)
- to finish with the studies (i must admit i love reading and attending workshops but i am bored with the rest)
- to rediscover London and travel to US, Italy, Cyprus.
- to be the 2nd best of the class in dancing (i'd even say first if i were slimmer)
- shop as little as possible and cherish valuable moments
- start saving for a house

That's about it, in facts...in reality, though, I am in a very soft mood and I am looking to hang out with people who feel soft, at peace, and simple. It's been way to many artefacts for me this year, people showing off (in both the companies I worked with) and people in a hurry.

I would like to make each day of my relationship be special and fresh. For the past 19 months, it always felt fresh and stronger.
I would like to hang out more (or catch up with) Gabiza, Mer, Mo, Alex, Alma, Ana, Ela, Dee, Nico, Coddi, Katie, Nush, Ankita, Marina, Ankit and Amy, Serban, Radu...and many others. I have a look at the pictures on my room walls and that's the time when I really feel rich.

That's about it, in short. And I wish for everyone in 2012 to look back at this year and for it to have been special.

George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"

2010-09-15T01:49:00.000+03:00

Moving on it's not an easy thing

2010-09-14T01:11:00.000+03:00

This is my last week in Peterbrough, this little place to hide, to work, to live a peaceful life, at times a boring life :-).

I have been longing for a change, for more time - time to dance, to sing, to spend with friends who seem to be away. And now, that change is coming, I must be honest to myself and say I feel unprepared. It's like a car you've been speeding up and once it's on the road, you don't know how to stop it, you don't know how to reduce the speed.

I love my little room, the friends I have made at work, unique people with whom I have shared such dear moments, challenging times, and good lessons to learn. When time comes for me to turn the page, I skim through it again and again and the more I go through it, the more rich it seems to me. And, since I am a people person, their respect for me, their friendship, maybe even affection, become the most important thing. A thing that brings tears in my eyes, a thing that warms up my soul and makes me be stuck in a dear moment of which I need to let go of, but don't entirely feel like.

I need to get boxes to pack my books, my large number of shoes and ear rings, scarfs and paper. A lot of paper. It's amazing how many useful things, and an equal number of useless things we accumulate in life. Each time I move, I tidy up and decide to give away/throw away little parts of me that have now become unimportant.

I look at this picture of me and the Taj Mahal, a person staring at a wonder. It's a place I have seen, been there, travelled that road and never realised the greatness in front of me, the greatness of me being there. Great things are still to come, baby steps and giant steps, long roads to walk, mountains to climb. But this week, this place where I am, where I have spent almost 3 years of my life seems to be the dearest.

I don't know how things will turn out, and this uncertainty leaves space for anything in between. I fill this space with a great deal of respect for those whom I worked with, for the dear friends now scattered all over the world, for the ones with whom I'll do my best to keep in touch. I fill this space with melancholy, with nostalgia and with pride. I fill this space with enormous caring for my colleagues, for people whom I've helped and for the quality of my work.

Music and rain

2010-08-22T14:48:00.002+03:00

Here I am on the train again - not for long. Soon this long travel will stop, the pace will slow down and I will get more space for dreaming.

I guess I haven't written for a lot of time – there's been a lot of space filled in with learning from work, from studies, from unusual circumstances. And I stopped having that warm feeling that one gets when one watches the rain drop caressing the window while one has a tea with milk.

I am writing now, letter next to letter covering the soft page on the screen. I have a friend visiting me from Romania. I heard her voice over Sanjaya's phone and it all seemed so sweet, how my life from there gets together with my life from here in harmony. It's making me warm, it's making me smile and get wet eyes.

I am listening Urma – 'Nomad rhymes' and I love it. I have been missing it. My new Sony MP3 it's worth all the money. It brings me music when there's space for everything. Music is, at times, everything.

There was a fire on the railway and there were many trains cancelled. But... I have made it into a delayed one and here I am, on my way again. Life is full of unexpected. I have become fund of the metaphor 'navigational intelligence'. We all need to have it, develop it, as it is not innate.

'Why do we///why do we///why do we live after all? ' You see, there are things only few million people on Earth are aware of. It makes me feel privileged. I have Urma, with music and lyrics I am thoroughly enjoying. I am a Romanian in Peterborough waiting for a late train. I am a Romanian with a lovely Sri Lankan boyfriend meeting her Romanian friends in Leicester Square and having dinner while waiting for her to reach. I am coming from a traditional family, I call my mom and tell her about the delay, about the new prospects in my life about which I am so very happy.

It's a great evening. I stopped reading for assignments, doing reports, checking e-mails. And I have almost a full hour of me and my music. I really hope you get that once in a while. It's like a cosy bed in winter time, like a light cake, like the hug of your granny as a child.

If you miss yourself at times, close your eyes on time and open your soul to music. It's wonderful...it gives me life.

Life's beats are always positive (if you don’t like the first part, the second one ends in a sweet note)

2010-04-26T02:06:00.001+03:00

I got back from work today in a "heavy mood" state, but feeling I had done the right thing. For me, the saying ' life is not easy and often unfair' seemed to be more of a cliche unadjusted to modern age.
It is a cliche, but that doesn't make it false. Life is really not easy at times, and decisions are not easy to make either. But from this '0' point where circumstances in life bring you, what can you do? Strive to go up +1 or let yourself fall at -1.
There's this quote which usually brings a fizzy feeling to me and makes me feel better - 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. Take the bitter-sour taste and make it so refreshing it revives your day! That is entirely up to you, not the lemon, not the sugar, not the extra water, but the idea of the mix!

I have got few bad days, when I felt it's either me who is at a wrong place, either the match between the place and me has something missing. I can’t say the week has been gentle to me. It was rather harsh and showing me once more that promotion is the heart of commerce.

I often wonder if I picked the right career or if my career is developing in the right place/country/industry. I don’t have an answer for that. Neither do I need one stringently now. What I need now, is to keep walking – like a little version of Johnny Walker that I am and always have been, at least since I can remember.

I am not a careerist; I am a person of beautiful feelings and good values. I just care about the balance between what goes around and what comes around, and IF what goes around IS what comes around.

Different thoughts…but where’s the gazing? Gazing does living feel good.
So I set myself apart from the weight and took the bus to home, got out a bit earlier these days and started walking, so walking I could see more. You see more when you walk, more of the life you ignore in a chair in front of the laptop.

Few steps and I could not ignore the wonderful sky ahead, covered by a pale burning light coming from a sun setting, a sun smiling slowly as it goes to sleep. The sky is penetrated finally by two white traces left by airplanes…So, here we go – people fly again.
Nature is wonderful and scary at the same time, sooths and punishes without any reason – it just recycles itself while we need to understand and be patient.
I couldn’t pity the people stuck in different places while waiting healthy and alive. I just could pity the inhabitants around the Icelandic volcano, who have nowhere to fly and nowhere to move, chocking with carbon dioxide and ash.

I resume my thought and again I walk…a group of Pakistani boys are playing in the street. One is asking me if I have a cigarette, one is offering a ‘biiig hug’ while he is hugging one of his friends, the others sing something in their language. I smile. I used to be frustrated with these gestures, but looking at them, children growing, I tend to understand. Take it as a joke, man. They take it as a joke too. What to bother about?

I resume my thought and I walk again and there I see a lady carrying the luggage by herself. So, then I wonder why by herself alone and no one is helping and how unfair it is for a lady to carry so much stuff by herself alone. But, as I keep walking and I approach the person I can see he is a Japanese man who lets me go first as he has to move slow, because he is really tired. I keep walking and do not help…and while I walk I get this feeling of caring and feeling bad: I sometimes misjudge and I don’t always help…

I keep walking to home in a greater speed as the wind blows in my face, caressing me with a chilled hand. I want to be home, stop, warm up, sit down…so I walk and I get closer, closer to the lights, passing by the lights, crossing the street and opening the door.
The man I mostly love is on Skype and I want to tell him how much I love him. He has been wonderfully putting up with my emotional fluctuant self for almost 1 year now. Fluctuant – at times; emotional – forever…I need to tell him how I feel in so many ways, so many times, so many words…

Of what I found and what I left behind

2010-03-01T21:46:00.003+02:00

Here I am – in Camino, in this thoughtful mood. It happens so rarely lately, therefore I really have got to cherish it :)
Attending a week-end long training programme, I have gone through a lot of games and situations which have reminded me of the times I used to be trained for free, but with a huge value.

I didn’t really feel trained and empowered for a while and this week-end made me think of what it is exactly that I need, want, target. I am not going to describe the training programme at this point. I want to share a bit of what I used to be and who I have got to be, both not necessarily being positive either negative.
Few of the things I used to love doing and for some reason, in the midst of me being here and doing what I do, I forgot about (or lost them in a luggage somewhere at the entrance in London):

- I used to dance, take dancing lessons, meet with my friends from the dancing club and talk about it, dream about it, put it to our use and mostly public’s use ( I must admit even though at that time it didn’t imply any narcistic thought, it pumped my self confidence quite a lot)
- I used to write, quite a lot and of everything. I had published a small brochure along with 5 other colleagues which was quite appreciated in our town at the time. Since then, I have been blogging for almost 5 years without getting any profit out of it
- I used to go to theatre and take acting lessons and, believe me, Romanian actors are great. They love giving of themselves, they read, live and see a lot and they are genuine mentors for our new generations. I used to sit as closely as possible to the stage and absorb words, movements, gestures, mimics.
- I used to coach people next to me, ask questions, I used to listen, give of me and of my experience. Now it is all become more of a ‘I will give my best to place you into a project’ thing which I always do with all associates I am interacting with.
- And MOST IMPORTANTLY I used to have weekly discussions with my family and grandparents and get as much wisdom as we could, enjoying songs and different forms of art with which I grew up, which have been part of me and my education, making me a better person or at least making me wish to be a better person.

All these started fading away at some point when I got into this new culture where I felt like I needed to show people who I am, where for some reason I felt quite under-estimated in the beginning.
In the last few days people have called me ‘beautiful’, a word with which I have been associated rarely before. And instead of thanking from all my heart (I have said ‘thank you’ more in a formal way) I kind of felt wrong and not at ease. I wanted to be called ‘smart’, ‘strong’, ‘successful’, ‘kind’, ‘passionate’, anything else which is not connected to my physical appearance.

I have now become an HR Executive, a person of words as much as of actions:

- I like taking decisions and being consulted on decision and many times I am surprised to see how much I started caring about my ego and opinion in a way I had not done before
- I talk a lot on the phone and I am too busy that by 6pm I feel I still have got so much to do – but thinking of it, if there wasn’t so much to do, maybe there wouldn’t be a job for me either
- I became more conventional and polite, keeping people at a good distance and selecting very carefully before I chose a one single friend
- I cherish my memories and in some way, because of that, I don’t give enough of space to exploring and meeting new people. I show trust rarely and most of my friends in UK have chosen me, I am not entirely sure I have chosen them at that time, but I am so happy to have them
- I spend most of my time at work, and very few of my time dancing or at the gym and I miss arts in a way I had never imagined I would
- I don’t dream as much, but I plan a lot – and what is planning without dreaming?

I guess I grew up. There’s fewer of a child in me now, so I need to get into an alert mode and go look for the child I used to be – lively and full of trust, in love with the un-conventional, bubbly, walking through the park and enjoying.

I am happy, holding on to the precious people and things which have been offered to me, and I am sure I am doing well.

I grew up, developed my communication skills, my business acumen and my ability to plan and get better overview. I have become ‘experienced’, professional, less emotional. Yet, I would still wish I were more enthusiastic than experienced and not dedicate full time to my work, but still keep with me those little things which used to make me happy.

I guess there is a time in life when we ought to stretch not only forward, but go back a little, remember what we valued and what used to make us happy and grab those things from there to project or apply them to the present.

I don’t see why it shouldn't be possible…

Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch On the Oprah Winfrey Show

2010-02-02T01:07:00.001+02:00

a must see!

My 2009 – thoughts and feelings

2010-01-05T00:29:00.003+02:00

It’s in the habit of us people – especially the goal oriented ones – to draw a line and sort of calculate where we are after the previous year and what we want to achieve in the next one.

At the end of last year, I looked at my life objectively and decided to make 2009 a year of calculation and moderation.

This is what happened during the year, in short:
- Got a contract extension at the beginning of the year
- Travelled to Netherlands where I found dear friends whom are part of my spiritual family and make me feel like home
- Spent Easter with my family and then travelled to India. At 12 am while on the train I got a phone call and got the good news that I’ve become a permanent employee
- I visited Munich in May where Mada was a great guide for me and Ankita
- In June I met Sanjaya at an AIESEC boat party. He has since then been with me in all the good and the bad, showing me what a real and strong relationship means
- From June to December I enjoyed travelling to Paris, Brussels, Barcelona and Budapest, plus several cities in UK
- In September I started getting a lot more responsibility at work and got the freedom to organise events. I am also handling the relationship with a major ramping up account and it is a challenge, especially due to their style of leadership.
- I have been there for my family in very difficult times throughout the year and even though it pained a lot it made us stronger and happy together

2009 has offered me a lot more than I had expected of it and it has also been a demonstration that, at times, it is way better you do what you feel is right and what your heart tells you rather than hurry into judging. It is also highly important to care for your family and take care if each individual.

My personality has developed through caring and travelling a lot, through reading, talking to people whom I trust and working a lot (maybe more than normal).
Two messages that I would like to share with my friends are:
1) I will always cherish them; no matter if we don’t get to meet because of lack of time, no matter if I can’t always be there, no matter if they unintentionally hurt me.
2) Life is short but it comes with a lot of lessons. We lose dear people; we are there when a child gets born. We share a tear openly, to vent out, and we share a tear in the corner of a room. But we are never ever lonely. We have the dear people, we have faith, and we have God. So we should keep driving our lives in hope and understanding.

The major things I would like to do in 2010 are:
1) Develop more. This time through dedicated programs and less through travelling. I will spend more time at home, study, read, be together with the dear ones
2) Balance life. I will try to find a new role where I get more equilibrium between my work and my personal life, more time to integrate one and the other.
3) Give and ask for more love. Love is part of our lives under different forms even if we don’t get to ‘measure’ it, even if we don’t get to express it. I will choose to express more of it, under as many forms as I can.
4) I will try to make the first step to fulfil one of my dreams since university – have a family business
5) I will dance more. Starting January I will join salsa lessons and hope to become again the passionate, talented but also disciplined girl I used to be.

These are my feelings about the upcoming year. And although I am quite high on expectations, I will try to deal well with the unexpected as well as welcome positive surprised to my life.

All the best you in 2010!

Contemplating Future

2009-10-19T01:55:00.000+03:00

Out of all the inspirational speeches and books I have (re-)heard or (re-)read lately, two are making me think about aspects of my life:

- Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford
- Seth Godin’s The Dip

Taking fragments from these and looking back/into the future, I understand better where I am, how I have reached here and where I am heading to. Few are the points I would like to highlight and share with whomever might have the patience:).

The essential idea is to contemplate your future, give some time to set a plan and put it in place, but while getting steps arranged not forget about dreaming.
Just the way Steve Job puts it – dots will eventually connect in the future. You have to move forward and believe in your strengths.
In Seth Godin’s book, that means struggling to get over the Dip, deciding when to quit and when to run that extra mile which separates the excellent from the normal.

When I look back, no matter how displeased I am with the volume I have to cope with at work, I feel proud I have learnt out of my frustrations, out of the differences between me and my team, out of my anxiety of not being able to do a different kind of job.
It’s very easy to walk away when things get hard on your knees, thing about which I have thought more than once. But if you do, how will you know what would have happened if you stayed? That is how I stayed for some time. The volume of work keeps growing, but I learnt how to cope with stress, with ideas I don’t agree with, how to cope with financial crisis from an HR point of view, how to look at a business from the strategic point of view, how to work with numbers, etc.
Visualising or even contemplating your future and being committed to one’s tasks is the key to pulling it through. Not commiserating, not feeling sorry, but taking things with a bit of humour and fantasy.

The second idea is contradicting the old saying ‘don’t mix pleasure with business’. Well, for most of the successful people I have met, their business is their pleasure. They enjoy what they are doing and they sell enjoyment to others. Be it in an NGO working to change things for the better, be it a great site they are creating, be it giving training and coaching or even working in an ice cream factory, all of these come out of pleasure and give pleasure to the ones they are addressing to.
My whole job description might not be a list of things I entirely love to do, but if I extract out of it what exactly gives me pleasure and through which actions exactly I create pleasure for the others, then I can organise so as to achieve my goals but also feel fulfilled.

The third idea is: there is no separation between personal and professional life or if it exists and they are being kept separate in some aspects, they do interfere with each other at a point. If you are not a good person and are looking only for profit, people will notice that, as people can’t be fooled on a long term.

Most of the great managers I have met, take the time to give feed-back and coaching to their colleagues, are honest in their approach and modest in doing their work, even if they know how to brand it nicely. These are people who do not only target to become leaders and be paid better so that they can support their families but also like to bring an added value in each work/business relationship. They are role models and people you like doing business with, while the others are just managers.

The fourth idea is related to life in general and the way we get to meet and stick with people. You can then look at your life as if it were the house you are living in. Before complaining about it, just ask yourself first how often do you invest in it, how often you clean it and how organised you keep it for it to be able to welcome new people and make them feel good.
Since I am in a relationship, I get to learn and live a lot. I make sure my life is as tidy as I can get it for the other person to enjoy being here. I ask myself how much I am giving, if I can put a bit of extra effort, if I accept as much as I am accepted.

Making this short article rounded, I am going to the first idea – contemplating future. Essentially, I don’t think anyone likes spending their lives alone. And neither did I. Several times I had tried to envision what I want, what I expect and how I can offer of me to someone else.
Trying to get there might get you a bit of kicks in the head. But if you look into the future and keep your life-house clean, there will be plenty of space for people to step in. Because when they do, they might bring more light and balance. And so will you in return.

The Meaning and Melody of Us

2009-10-06T22:46:00.002+03:00

You walked me through the summer and covered me in autumn,
You waltzed me and you warmed me and so the bad forgotten.
You held my arms and kissed my eyes and sang the tears away,
You read for me and read through me and got me in to stay.

You never offered kingdoms but travelled me the world,
You taught me how to speak without saying a word.
We whispered and we laughed, we wrote a little story,
We shared so many ‘thank you’s and never said we’re sorry.

We climbed a little hill; we neared the pebble beach to kiss the sea,
We shared the music, shared the sun and shared the way to be.
I dream your dreams and share your thoughts and speak a word so free
I never flew with unknown wings and enjoyed being me.

I’ll walk you through the autumn and warm you up in winter,
I’ll laugh and smile and light my eyes for you to see their glitter.
I’ll hold your arms and kiss your eyes and sing the tears away,
I’ll read for you and read through you and get you in to stay.

My tear is not the end of your world

2009-09-19T01:00:00.002+03:00

Hey there...

Friday evening let its coldness fall over. The lights on the way guided home to me:-). And I laid on my bed of imaginary roses.
Finally writing tonight, I even feel guilty for not having done it earlier, as I am committed to my writing just as I committed to only 3 other things in my life: family, him and friends.

I dislike seeing blogs getting rusty or friends who used to write not getting back to me. Yet this is exactly what I have also become lately - a wanderer. I can't complain. I've been happily busy - being there for my friends, travelling a lot, learning new things at work, overcoming stress.

In the last one month lessons have been coming my way. I can't talk much about it. As they say - secret of two is no longer a secret. It doesn't need to be a secret, but I have learnt to evaluate friendships and keep my personal life at home, where it belongs.

Lessons, however must be shared, so I am sharing what I've learnt, probably reminding of lessons you have already come across as well:

- our will cannot change the dear ones - no matter how much you think from the deepest of your heart you are doing the right thing, if they are against it, they will remain against it. But we are meant to be and feel different, and if that doesn't set us apart nothing else will.

- if you don't call, the other will not either - I have very few friends who unconditionally look for me. Especially since I'm with someone I love, people don't bother anymore about showing their affection. Lately I have been a busy bee as well, so few communication has happened over the past months. However, I have recently met friends I have made over 5 years ago and we still feel fresh and new. And that is because we always called first.

- illness can be cured, on the fist and main condition for you to wish redemption - i am sure there isn't any illness in this world which cannot be controlled and even cured. AIDS, cancer, depression, anxiety are all stigmas of our modern society to which people have learnt to react with understanding. Understanding, that is right, there is no need for compassion or fear. I haven't been there so I can't pretend I'm an expert, but I have had dear people in all of the mentioned cases and many of them have cured and many of them have been dear to me all the way.

- responding to anger with anger won't get you anywhere - this is something I have learnt by being alone in UK and then being with someone who knows how to control. Most of my country fellows are very hot Latin blood people so they snap out at you if you snap at them. Where will that get you? Somewhere 20 minutes later all red and with few neurons lost. But if you sit and listen patiently and don't blame and don't raise your voice you might calm the other one too.

- there is nothing as priceless as loosing yourself in the Now - Ekhart Tolle wrote a book on it. I read it and realised how revealing it is. I am pretty much a hedonist and don't have the energy to worry in vain for longer than 10 minutes, but the book helped me extend this to the largest scale of life. I smile even if unwell and I want people around me to smile as much as possible. We need to remember yesterday, plan for tomorrow, but smile for today.

- the best way to make your life light and set yourself free is forgiving and forgetting - if you take offence and if you carry with you the resent gathered, it is likely you will burst or you will charge yourself with a heavy load which you don't at all deserve. Sometime back after a massive hurt, the Acting teacher asked me several questions on forgiving and when hearing my answers thought I'm quoting from a book or being dishonest. But I told her that for me forgiving and leaving things behind are the best ways to refresh. Out of pure egoism, I refuse to take forward the mess from the past, simply because some things are too stained for me to get them cleaned.

- music matters - and if you listen to the song with the same title from Faithless you'll know more about that. Music says a lot, creates romance, releases pain, gives a positive tone to Monday, it creates magic and it brings people together.

I'm sitting here typing with some hidden weight in my heart and praying everything will be ok. Trusting it will be ok. I'm learning my lessons, we are all learning.a lesson. And I am trustful and serene and know everything ends well. Or..maybe it never ends. It is just a point in the circle connecting to another one and it all ends to start again.

Awake and conscious

2009-08-14T02:59:00.001+03:00

Listening to Zdob si Zdub (a very good Moldavian band you ought to listen to), I remembered home. Of course my home has become so abstract and undefined I wouldn’t be able to say where it is and what about it makes me feel so happy and at ease.

Coming from the swimming lessons, having a late dinner with Monica and Nusheen (my endless Romanian-Asian universe...), talking to him on skype, all these are little pieces of life for which I am grateful and I feel complete.

I work a lot. Tomorrow I’m on leave but I’ll be sorting out some data in the morning. Yet I am awake at 1 am just because I felt the need of music and writing in my life – this wonderfully imperfect life in which I struggle and I still wonder what is it that I have to prove.

I love, with every inch of my heart and my mind. I’m in love with the people in my life, with travelling, with being there for you, with letting new challenges and feelings take over me. I even write and share it with people who have no clue of who I am. Because I want to live, let myself go, free of inhibitions, over-thinking, and evaluation or need to come out as perfect.

I love, with sunshine of a mind that used to be full of spots and now it’s just connecting the dots. I love and I’m not afraid of over-using this word, of what it means, of risking. There’s no risk, there’s a journey and an experience.

And, in this thirst for writing, sharing words and music, all the tiredness goes away, washes off like a wave and there I am – fresh again.

You don’t know what I’m talking about do you?
Then maybe you should youtube ‘zdob si zdob’, that’s definitely going to worth it!

Yanni live Taj Mahal Renegade

2009-08-01T22:52:00.001+03:00

Untitled

2009-07-23T01:27:00.002+03:00

Autumn drops and open roads. Got off the bus and kept walking home – for a few minutes of solitude like I missed it - a space to think and value.

Value words: in any language, in riddles, in poems, in news. Because we need to express and speak out, understand each other even from continents away.

Value time: as it is all too scarce and selfish and we’ve got so much to do.

Value simple things: for everything it’s meant to be simple unless we decide to make it complicated, for being simple is prettier than any artefact, for being simple takes so much of guts.

Value music and silence: for if we both can sit and listen and still feel each other (or we feel each other even more) it means we got our senses alive, our desire burning and we cherish the meaning of it all.

Value patience: for none of us is completely right and nothing is ours entirely, for things and people don’t belong to us, they are here by chance, by choice or by luck and if it is so we might as well enjoy each other while we’re here and wait peacefully when not.

Value humanity: giving without measuring and without hidden agenda. Choosing to put oneself on the second place and watch from the shadow. In today’s world, we should all be tired of too much stardom and stardust, of being important, of being over-responsible. Around me there are so many ‘I’, so many people who are right, so many people who are never wrong, that the world gets to be fake and boring.

Value the small wonders of life and the short moments of solitude.

Value love: the family and dear one, the few who remained after months, after years. Value those special few who love you at peace, who love you angry, who take the time to understand and refuse to judge/judge wrongly. Value those who appear in your life like a wonder, who are there unconditionally and for whom you’re as beautiful as you can get.

Value life...

Michael Jackson Will You Be There

2009-07-08T01:07:00.001+03:00

setting this apart from media, today, yesterday, history or forgetfullness - just for some minutes

COLONIAL COUSINS-KRISHNA NEE BEGANE

2009-06-26T23:51:00.001+03:00

reconstruction.

2009-06-21T02:18:00.004+03:00

just read the post below...somehow i was wondering why 10th of june (the day i wrote it) seems familiar. then, i remembered: 9th to 10th of june is the date i went to a vama veche concert in 2006 with someone who in the next three months of my life ruined my idea of love completely and got me paralysed sentimentally for the next other 6 months. no one could equal the mess that he left back then and i am pretty sure no one (as much as they try) will ever get me down the way i was then.

well, that is all in the past. and i am pretty sure people don't hurt us intentionally, they just take longer to understand and learn how to behave...

last night i met someone who has treated me so well that i felt a bit unused to it:-) just the way it happened back in high shool.

got home really late in a state of melancholy and thoughtfulness. someone was telling me i think too much (more 'someone's actually...)
so i decided to stop thinking for a while and stop writing here as well. i need to sort myself out.

have a good break! (and if you want, a kit kat as well)

I dropped down, gorgeous!

2009-06-10T22:58:00.003+03:00

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know my desire to end up this friendship is bigger than my ability to ignore it.

See,

To me, too few matter the years behind or the words we have shared. It's all in the blowing in the wind Bob Dylan is singing about.

See,

If you need a friend to meet you daily and listen all your crap it's very likely you can find one. I'm a pretty lost and tired soul and there's nothing in me left to give you. And anyways you were just here to take, were you not?

See,

I feel extremely ignored, humiliated and disrespected and it's quite a feeling of unbalance for someone who has barely ever hurt anyone.

The cup is getting fuller. Had my cider. Had my wine. Don't want to taste your selfish ego.

I am here in my new small room and I give myself the time to regret you.

Buhbye!

career lesson from a carpenter

2009-05-28T02:26:00.003+03:00

She is standing in front of her laptop keyboard scratching her nose and biting her lips. This time something good must come out. Something of the sort she used to write in highschool. Too charged in methaphors, hard to read or digest, to sweet to take even with tea and so out of understanding. So out of understanding no one
will read it. And that's fine.

What's this all about? Career? Years going by without a focus: that 'carpe diem' which has made a difference. Punctually. Could have done more. But this is not a carpenter's lesson on career. For she is not a carpenter. Nor will she ever be. See, carpenters do care for their wood. So maybe they'll not sculpt it each time the same way. The oil added will be different. Patience and wood, wood and patience. What do you know? To how many carpenters have you ever spoken?

This is not about how to make a difference. For sure you will. Because you want to. And if you want to, the mountain is a friend, the rock is a brick and the fear is a joke with yourself.

But what if you are to spend your life alone? See, there are times when you just got to think about it. She has given a great deal of advice and it always turned out to be the good one. Her friends are getting married. She is attending the weddings. She is a visitor and when the lights go down she again sleeps in a one person bed.

Some of you know what she means. Most of you. And that's not a shame. It's a way of being, of spending one's life. Advice is good - that little form of nostalgia. She is glad for having dispensing it. And for being (in many cases) right. She just cannot get herself right. Maybe because she left too often. Or because she has been left alone. In the end there's no fault. And no regrets. Just experiences. But an experience alone cannot make it though the night to the end of the day.

And this is not even meant to be sad. No, never. It's just a thought which came by at midnight. That lovely midnight of thoughts and sort of creation, which ends up in a 6 am chilly morning when it's still all good and fun.

Life's going easy on us, no need to push it hard. Don't lean back too much either. But if you think you are meant to spend your life alone, make it look pretty: give it a try once in a while, surround yourself with amazing people, try to fall in love.

This is a career lesson from a carpenter - not necessarily successful, but patient. They say good things happen who those who wait. But if they don't, just make the waiting beautiful!

Lines from India

2009-05-17T02:56:00.004+03:00

India, April 2009.

My interest in India developed since high school when reading Mircea Eliade’s novels. M.E. is a great Romanian writer, famous for having written the first History of Religions and for his studies and travels in India.

After joining AIESEC , I have interacted with Indian students coming on internships in Romania. I appreciated a lot their intelligence and open minded attitude and always wondered how their country was like.

Currently I am working with Tata Consultancy Services, a large multinational with headquarters in India. I have about 4000 Indian colleagues and do enjoy working with some of them.

So, given the context, I couldn’t stop being curious about India. I got the visa (it doesn’t take very much of a time, about half a day of queuing and two weeks of processing), booked the flight (you can get one on line at prices from £280 to £450) and let my Indian colleagues do the planning.

Now, before describing the best trip of my life, I need to mention (advertising space) that VA has a very good service and nice stewards. I enjoyed the 9 hours of flying and my interaction with fellow passengers. To my surprise, there were a lot of non-Indians on that flight, heading to Delhi for business or for holidays.

The aircraft was huge, the biggest I had ever travelled in. Even the British man next to me was joking with a friend: ‘This thing is too big to fly’. Yet it flew and it was quite an enjoyable journey.

When landing, there were mainly two things which shocked me:

- Policemen holding weapons. They are dressed in military suits and have old guns, looking like they are really serious about their job. But they’re quite nice to tourists.
- The heat outside the airport. It is just like you’ve got into a steam-less sauna. In the beginning it feels a bit suffocating but once you’ve spent 5-10 minutes outside you get used to it.

While driving into Delhi, I’ve noticed the work being done on the metro, a few cows, the people walking in colourful dresses and the dirt on the street. For a person obsessed with cleaning, it can be a challenge. And I am glad I had taken this chance, it’s a quite a good reality check and a reason for me to understand more of the world wide issues*.

As a simple tourist, I feel the need to highlight a few things which one must know when travelling to India:

- They are owners of a great heritage, due to the creative genius of their ancestors.

You must have already heard about Taj Mahal and seen pictures of it all over the internet. Having it in front of your very eyes will definitely astonish you by imposing height and architecture. It has been designed and built, with great architectural genius, during the 16th century and it is the symbol of love of the Mughal emperor Shah Jahan for his wife, Mumtaz Mahal.

But Taj Mahal is far from being the only architectural point a tourist should be interested in.
Along with it, I’d always recommend Amber Fort in Jaipur, Mehrangarh Fort in Jodhpur or Lotus Temple in Delhi.
The forts are of an impressive height and length and protect buildings of highly complex design: rooms for public meetings, rooms for social events, large halls, walls of elaborated design and creative paintings are a few of the things which stay with you for a long while after you’ve seen them.

Handicraft is also specific of every region in India, but we (Carlos - my travel buddy I met up in Delhi airport and me) got to explore more of it in Rajasthan. At City Pallace in Jaipur we also got the chance to see artists working in the ‘Friends of Arts’ section of the museum. Artists here are sculpting in wood or marble, paint in real size or miniatures, create jewellery which can vary from small ear rings to over-decorated necklaces.
But what really impresses is the orientation towards nature and using its elements in creating art. Artists use anything from leaves to mountain rock – the process, as well as the outcome, bring out friendliness for the environment and respect for creation.

For a person who has been brought up in Europe the products can seem at times kitsch, but along with this type of items you’d always find an object of art of great colour and good taste design.

India, out of all countries, has the greatest national patrimony. And even if I haven’t travelled as much as other friends of mine, passionate about different cultures, I am sure my opinion is close to reality.

- They have a large variety of spicy vegetarian food.

Is that news? I don’t think so…therefore, I will list down some rules for having a proper Indian meal:

- Being seated with legs folded one over the other (meditation position) at the table.
- Using only the right hand to eat. The left hand would be used only for arranging the food on the table.
- Not using cutlery. You can help yourself with food by using directly the roti/naan/chapati/pharata. These are made of flour and water, are fried on a thin pan, at times buttered with ghee, and used instead of bread.

The most widely spread type of food is a preparation of pulses boiled in a lot of water and then well spiced called dal. It is served with roti or rice.

Around 40 percent of Indian population is vegetarian, thus vegetarian dishes are widely served in every house or restaurant at each meal.
As a religious fact, Hindus, Buddhists and Jains aspire to an ideal of ahimsa, or non-violence, which prohibits the killing of anything living or with the potential for life. This is why most of the times you won’t either find eggs in any vegetarian food.

For the un-used to Indian food, all the dishes might look quite similar to one another and turn out to be quite hard to digest due to their spiciness. Once you get used to it (or even start liking it) it becomes a good variety of food to have. But if you didn’t try it before, you might get a few problems.
My friend and travel buddy got two injections and a two days medicine treatment. So, better be advised and prepared!

- They live on high adrenaline in a hectic transportation system.

At any time of the day, there will be a great number of vehicles being driven on all sides of the street.
Vehicles vary from huge tucks, to cars (mostly TATA brands), rickshaws and motorbikes.
Rickshaws in Delhi are green and yellow, function under CNG (Compressed Natural Gass) and run a more ecological policy.
Rickshaws in Rajasthan are black and yellow, just as the ones in Mumbai, where you’ll get more of the cab option as well.
In all the hectic traffic, there is only one God blessed and government blessed rule: HONKING. And all the drivers are thoroughly applying it.

While travelling with all above mentioned means of transportation, I must admit they are all quite efficient, but equally dangerous. If you want to live on high adrenaline at all times, you can choose to move to any of the Indian cities and often use public transportation – that is what you’ll get.

As a pedestrian, you shall also enjoy the adrenaline rushes until you get used to the traffic. This is firstly because there won’t be enough space on the pedestrian area and thus you’ll have to use the margin of the highway.
Secondly, all vehicles, no matter how posh (all the more if posh) will keep making a deafening honking sound which will get you confused – sometimes they might honk because of you being in the way, sometimes not. So just make it quick while walking and crossing!

- They like to bargain. It is the only way to set the price.

As a foreigner, the exchange rate from rupees to your currency might be quite satisfying – you do a lot with little money.
But you should also know to pay the right amount and not make unnecessary donations.

The regular price of any museum you go visit will be about 10 times more for foreign people than for nationals. Taj Mahal would be 30 rupees for an Indian and 750 rupees for a foreigner. That is fine – the price of around 10 pounds pays off and more than that. Money will go to maintaining the architectural sites.

On the other hand, for any other thing you buy, you must be careful. Prices are usual less than half of what you hear. As per friends’ recommendations, you should always start bargaining from 10% the given price.

I myself got fooled a couple of times and don’t really regret it. But when you have an Indian to bargain for you the fun comes in. Because you don’t get much of what they’re saying, it looks like they’re having a major fight. Don’t worry! – that is how they like to bargain. Let them do the job for you and you will get a good deal.

Another thing you should do is be aware of the regular prices and bargain around that amount. Once you know the price, they’ll know you can’t get tricked, although they have to try – it’s like a moral obligation of any Indian tradesman.

The most common phrase we would use in dealing with rickshaws was ‘but we came with….’
As an example, we went to India Gate for 80 rupees from Munirka DDA flats (about 10 km). This is a good price as advised by Karun. While coming back the price had gone up to 120 rupees. Again, we had to repeat: ‘but we came with 80 rupees’. The driver would still smile and try to get more money, but agree to our price in the end.

- They like to dance and can put up a show at any time.

Indian people run on hot blood. And it’s not only due to the temperature. It’s an innate love for life and fun which they would prove on any given opportunity.

Two times in particular I could taste of that specific fun: once in Chokhi Dhani and once at the Sangeet I attended in Delhi.

Choki Dhani is ‘a village inside a city’ – it is a gathering of workshops and small buildings and stages in Jaipur. Once you get in, you’ll be totally charmed and feel you’ve been transported to another world, a fairytale-like one. This is the perfect place for a display of traditions in Rajasthan. Here you can have henna applied on your hand, you can try the dinner and the pani puri (vegetable mix in a small bakery ball), you can use the bow, have a palmist’s forecast (the type of: you’re due for love marriage quite soon) and, mostly, you can watch the ladies dance, the children dance and then dance along with them.
Most Indians learn traditional dances since childhood as they use this as means of expressing their joy on several occasions.

A wedding, for example, is the occasion on which people all over the world would dance and enjoy. But for Indians it takes at least 3 days, it involves at least 1000 people and about as many dances.

Ladies Sangeet is the first day of the wedding and families of the bride and groom put up a real show to celebrate their wedding. The dancing is well set by a choreographer (not necessarily an expert, but the person who has most knowledge) and most of the dancers do a quite good job. By the end of the event everyone dances the night away.
My favourite style, of which I have become an acknowledged dancer, is bhangra.

- Their friendship is a strong connection you shouldn’t ever let go off.

Flying out from Mumbai after having a coconut juice and getting to the airport in a rickshaw, I felt the nostalgia of leaving and the joy of coming back. A lot of those mixed feelings which make a difference and make you wonder…

So far I have used descriptions and I have tried to put things straight for any tourist who goes to India for the first time.

But I must admit I have been living with Indian people for 1 year now. And although I can be objective about what I have seen in India, I certainly cannot be objective if writing about my 1 year of friendship with Indians.

I eat my lunch and dinner with them. I have a drink once in a while with them. And we dance and party together.

I have been hosted for 10 long days at no cost by my Indian friends. They have been showing me around. And I’ve been with them when they were praying, dancing or making a plan.

In fact, my whole Indian travel plan has been worked out by Indians. I had to do nothing but book my tickets and go in good faith.

I feel this type of connection only with my friends at home, whom I know for more than 5 years now. And I can’t let go of it, as it became addictive. For them it’s natural to be as kind and hospitable, but for me it remains a unique experience for which I’ll always be grateful.

* Before putting things on a paper I had to reflect a bit, as I wouldn’t like to offend any of the skilled and gifted Indian friends I gained this year. But mine is an objective point of view and I am sure they’re perfectly aware of the issue. The reason why there is so much disorder is that India has a very high population, which obviously becomes harder to manage or supervise. And even if half the population takes care of the disposal, lower classes would be careless in most of the cases.

Remember / Please get to know

2009-05-16T03:17:00.001+03:00

Romanian vibe

2009-04-16T02:40:00.002+03:00

I’ve been meaning to write these lines for a long time now. And since I am back at home, I’ll try to do it. I don’t feel completely up to it, I wish I passed my ideas to a really skilled person who would write them in such a fashion that everyone will understand and get close to the way I feel.

I am sure I’m no more special than any other person coming back home and getting the chills of togetherness. But what I feel now it’s kind of close to flying. And if flying with own wings it’s not like this, I do prefer the homecoming.

My Romania is the mix of good and bad, the positive and negative projection of it, the pink and the grey, the past and the future.

My Romania is in the renovated passage at Universitate Square and in the ugly trenches they’ve been digging in the historical centre of Bucharest. It is in the variety of national museums and the over-lighted new Cocor mall.

My Romania is in the people saying bad words in a crowded bus and in the good teacher who comes and scolds them.

And if you think you see Romania in the savants at NASA or in the gipsies begging or stealing in one of the glamorous European capital cities, then you are terribly wrong.

Romania is in my grandparents’ house, where there are enough places at the table and enough plates in the house for all of you to be served.
Romania is in my childhood, where I used to help my parents’ neighbours carry the luggage up to the fourth floor.
There is a seed of modesty and wish for helping which resides in each true Romanian house. There is also a brotherly feeling not only between Romanians, but between a Romanian and every other nation we come together with.
This can be noticed in the present times, but can be proved by history. And I am not getting political or over-factual, but I do need to underline that Romanians have never attacked other nations, they have always stood up for what was theirs; although good military tacticians, they never fought for the sake of war and having more, but out of the will to protect their identity.

Thinking of the above, I would say the number of Romanians who are living outside the country has also increased substantially before and after the revolution as there was a thirst for knowing more about the world and getting out of the nest we have for so long been protecting.

One of the greatest Romanian writers stated: ‘Romanians are born poets’. I think that any Romanian, be he/she given a pen, paper and a theme, would make something out of it. It might not be as easy to understand for a foreigner, but given the hard times we’ve had due to most of our ‘neighbours’ and our innate slightly masochistic behaviour, we have developed a humorous attitude and a love for poems, singing and dancing.
Generally, we are also pretty blunt people and would always tell you the truth in a presentable manner.

My Romanian friends have thought me well enough about humanity and caring.
There have been so many times when I was looking for a cosy home and an honest opinion and I have been welcomed in a beautifully decorated crib. Moxa, Crangasi, Militari, Vitan, Gemeni are just a few of the places where I had long talks over a tea or dinner with dear friends.

This evening I’ve been running from one corner to the other of Bucharest to see some of my dear friends – when visiting home we don’t actually get to see each other for enough time and it’s highly unlikely I can meet all of my friends. But the fact that I can disturb any of them from work or ask them to come to some weird on-the-spot-found place and they’d be there are enough proofs 1 year of time can’t tear us apart.

Taking the 381 bus to my temporary home on a warm April evening, I stop to think how nice old talks over a good Romanian beer up on a large Bucharest terrace used to be…and still are.

I’m not being nationalistic. I’m not being selective. I’m not being narrow-minded. I’m just taking back a bit of what I’ve chosen to miss for a while.

Well…I do wish someone better had written this for me. But I’m happy I myself lived it.

Grateful for all old and new Friendships,

Rox

Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

2009-04-14T12:14:00.001+03:00

chronicle about a short week-end

2009-03-23T02:04:00.010+02:00

Friday at last in a small corner of UK…ever since morning that sunny chill gets into the office and it won’t leave us alone. I struggled to get though by the end of the day to find myself again in front of a big fat plate of Indian food. Naman cooked while Ankita and I were contemplating dancers from our countries on youtube.

Saturday half a day it’s the time to fill up the batteries and get back on track. While talking to a dear friend about happiness, I remembered what used to make me happy before, in my 20s – pretending to be happy, thinking of the reasons for which to be happy and not the opposite. And there will always be a half way though – as much reasons for happiness as for unhappiness.

Maybe pretending to be happy is a great lie, but unless you force yourself to make the corner of your lips move up, they just won’t. That’s my theory and it doesn’t need to be agreed upon, neither denied – it didn’t do any harm so far.

That being said, even if I wasn’t at all in the mood, I attended a Diligenta party on Saturday evening: danced both bhangra and samba like never before. Colleagues of mine performed on the stage and I promised myself next time I’ll also do something. I remembered the long Saturdays I used to spend in dancing classes during high school and this is same as riding the bike – you’ll never forget it and never stop enjoying it. I’m just using the classical comparison for literary purpose, as even if I know how to dance, I have no clue how to ride the bike – shame, shame…

Dancing is a good medicine if you know how to take it – even after feeling unwell physically I got to be happy for the small things. For seeing my friends dancing with me, for playing with the children around, for being complimented, for appreciating a music I haven’t even heard before.

But even if it was 12am fun was not going to stop. Nusheen was kind of keen on some P’boro night life (surprise, surprise – it exists!) so she urged me to come to O’Neils, then Flares, then Bacarra. She was so happy to finally have her husband here, that she projected the feeling in all of us. And Mr Hussain Nalwalla has also put some salt and pepper to the night and kept calling me by my …forth? (I forgot the count) name – Fox.

The night ended at 3am when I hugged my cold pillow and started chasing dreams. Woke up when Karun called (at 8am) and we took off to Thorpe Park. Heavy rides were to come, especially for someone who hasn’t tasted anything of the sort since Austria’s Prater or Turkey’s Luna Park in ‘04. With that feeling of un-wellness still there, I went on roller coasters, ‘Cosmos’ and ‘Detonator’ and released a lot of my fears. Felt the adrenaline. I’d recommend the ‘treatment’ sometime – it helps a lot in challenging self and having mad fun with friends.
I for one must admit in one of these rides was about to bruise Ankita’s hand with so much of holding. But I’m brave otherwise…now, really!

Then we drove back to have dinner. I just love being driven somewhere. Ever since childhood I used to pray that we don’t get to where we’re heading that fast and I’d still be able to enjoy a bit more of the gazing outside the window.

It’s been a good week-end, despite what I’ve expected. And I took the chance to feel a little happier. The weather also helped a lot.
Conclusion – in times of trouble, open the window for the sun to come in and leave doors open for good friends. They’ll take care of everything.

It's been a year, my friend...

2009-03-13T00:45:00.003+02:00

It’s been one year since I am in UK. I wonder if all people create mile stones of that sort…we all must be doing it intentionally or unintentionally. We need to measure somehow how many kilometres we have on board and if our engine is working as we’d like it to.

It’s like a repeated NY resolution: how much time with a guy, how much time with a company, our birthday, time since we haven’t met a certain somebody. All quantified in time, in distances we take from our old self.

What do I mean by ‘old self’? – it’s the projection of us in the past, some months ago, in college, in high school, etc.

One year ago…Couldn’t help reading posts I have been writing in Romania. Paradoxically enough, I was happy yet unhappy. Satisfied with my family, my friends or the fun I had. But there was one piece of a puzzle which didn’t let me rest or enjoy completely. I didn’t want to settle. So here I am today.

I am not settled. I get to plan more, meet new people and get new ideas. I am again somehow happy but unhappy. Something must be missing. Most likely in my job, in the lack of that UK schedule when you’re out of office at 5.30pm. I’m running on Indian schedule, yet I don’t mind that. I like working all the more that I am getting new responsibilities.

The core of my job is rotation and making sure the company will go well through the financial crisis. But there are some other different things I am doing which never capture people’s attention as much. Let’s give it sometime and thing broadly…we must and can do that.

On personal level, I am the same emotional person – just couldn’t work on that…I am now convinced there are some things which are in us, things which choose us without us necessarily choosing them. Maybe it’s in my genes (looking back at my family tree I can definitely accept this as being a plausible idea) or maybe it’s because I’ve been spoiled. Independently of the cause, I surrendered to the thought that emotions will always take over more rational sides of me.

I have also had frustrations – there is one in particular which I need to admit. I have always disliked being in the shadow of another woman, being second best or coming to sooth. Yet, for the past let’s say four men I really cared about I have been that instrument of friendship with an un-definite something else which invariably ended at a point.

I have friends whom I care about - here and there, a bit of everywhere. I sleep over and we cook and I get obsessed with all Bollywood trends without wanting it. Man, I’m in UK! I have friends whom I see once a week and realise that if I were in London/Bucharest/Amsterdam probably we would see each other just as often.

When I was in Genoa, Sabrina told me I am a very profound person. I am also funny. And for the past year I have been trying to be more funny than profound without putting too much of intensity there where it wouldn’t go easily digested. And now I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time saying nothing and I wish these people would read through me and understand things I don’t say.

In this one year I’ve also learnt to respect my time and small habits. So while the washing machine goes on and on, I cook an oriental salad, chat with best friends, listen to my radio-type music and get the idea of this post.

So here I go for another 6 months, if the market allows me to. Many new things are coming. Plans and adventures: India, U2, weddings of friends, Alex, Dee, museums, cooking, watching Sex and the City, UK spring to come.

It’s been a year, my friend, and as much as 365 days in it. Yet it seems they flew away like a plane landing in London.

O Re Piya

2009-03-12T01:52:00.001+02:00

My sentimental self

2009-02-20T00:56:00.002+02:00

Amsterdam made it clear for me.

For 1 year now I have been transforming. Learning to adapt and going wild as few people knew me for real. I didn't care what people will say. I loved being around people as much as I have loved being alone.

I have became much more organized, selective and daring. But at the same time I have conserved my sentimental self.

I cry. I yell. And I drive people mad. But somehow I'm accepted for it and even rewarded.
I can count my true friends on my 10 fingertips. But I don't feel I need many more.
My friends and I are declaring each other love daily and we are not scared of it, and we don't think it's too much and we are purely honest in every word we say.

I am being sheltered, cared for, entertained, culturally and sentimentally fed. Nothing lacks. Maybe a boyfriend. But would he be able to supply what I need?

Amsterdam made it quite clear for me.

Once awake and open to the city, you can't get lost. And if your internal world is clean and at peace Red Light District it's simply a museum of figures you can understand or accept.

I didn't need to smoke. I had some troubles on my mind and I didn't want to escape them - I wanted to be fully there spiritually for my family and be as sober as ever.

I didn't have any cultural shock. I felt a bit different, but so much protected. I hadn't seen my friends for almost 1 year. But their house felt entirely my house. And time melted away. No notion of separation. No notion of distance. Even closer still.

When landing in London and taking that time to get fascinated with the scenery, I understood better than ever that 'home' it's not easy to define and it doesn't need to be a place. It's a space in the center of our hearts which connects us. As Romanians would say, it's the man who hallows the place. And we did hallow enough places.

I'm a sentimental bitch. And will remain one against all odds. It's been quite of a rewarding experience and I've always had a shoulder to hang on.

Falling asleep in the room of a good colleague and friend in Peterborough reminds me of how kind I used to be and there is no reason for me to fight against my nature now.

Ashes and Snow - must see - thank you, Maria!

2009-02-16T00:31:00.001+02:00

zip my words

2009-02-01T02:41:00.003+02:00

Partied for 19 h. Bristol - total chill. That time with Romanians. All the homey affection. Voids. Sis calling up. Advice and nostalgia. Ancestors' pain for no obvious reasons. Walks and pubs. Revealing self. Cold. Warmth. Cold. Fall asleep? Memories. Roads in the morning. Too many. Rush. Hush.

Lust. Lost. Last.

Cirque du Soleil. All the homey affection. Uneasiness, then Peace. More Peace. Acceptance. Message of Art - piercing through reality.

Lust. Lost. Last.

Conversations. E-mails. Sex and breakfast. Bassist. Concert. Smoke. Train under rain. E-mails. She said I'm staying there like in a hotel. The door shut. Tears running. He seemed pretty scared of tears. Being human is only normal. But why argue?

Lust. Lost. Last.

A cup of water. Too many emotions. A new year - of calculation. No worries. £100. No 'thank you's. Runaway train never coming back. Womenizers. Chats'n'lies. Friends. Cared for. So much of caring.

Lust. Lost. Last.

1000 to go back by end Feb. Calling up. Of how much Roxana can do. E-mails with attachments. Calls. Refusal. Guilt. Understanding. Strategical and operational. Efforts - results. Who cares? Just send me back by April.

Lust. Lost. Last.

Questions from friends. Not even a back up plan. Forgetfulness. Superiority. Inferiority. All that homey affection. Sleeping in those arms. Greedy morning.

Lust. Lost. Last.

It's all in that sphere.
All in a hug.

My favorite gym tune...makes me pull those strings like anything:-)

2009-01-13T01:33:00.001+02:00

Your host for the day (your host)
Don't let me waste my money

No, i see a new path
I can make half
Making new money now i got a new laugh (ha)
Music is playing me well, so i ain’t gonna be the one to go and find a new craft
I'm alright, If it ain’t for you to find a new path
If you can’t hack it, better find a new class
Triple Akon gotta find a new pass
Drive me not to do it when i’m buying new cars

All i really want is money in my pocket
Cash in my hand yo
Skrilla in my Wallet
All i really want is money in my pocket
Cash in my hand and
Skrilla in my wallet yeah

A dog gets one he puts away half
So when i get one i’m gonna put away half
I make money slow i make money fast
Then i'm back to the hood so i can have the last laugh
Still laughing 'cause i know i’m not a half heart
When we release we don’t wanna half chart
The IQ is high some of them are half smart
But i do it like Ronson hard days craft

All i really want is money in my pocket
Cash in my hand yo
Skrilla in my Wallet
All i really want is money in my pocket
Cash in my hand and
Skrilla in my wallet yeah
Skrilla in my wallet
Skrilla in my wallet yeah

All i want is that cheese yeah i’m tryna get that cheddar
'Cause money make the world go round (round round)
All i need is that bread with a little bit of a butter
'Cause i really need those pounds (pounds pounds)
So i counted it once and i put some in my pocket
And counted it twice then i make sure not to drop it

I got a London attitude don’t care
I don’t hear in my head by so many years in family crying out so many tears no way i’m gonna be broke yeah
Got money for the next year next year next year next year and the year after
Rides a marter like Shaun Carter and the Wayne Carter
But next year im gonna step up a gear and go harder
You know me im a master i cause disaster, i cause disaster
Anywhere on earth find money like anywhere i surf
Plus anywhere i lurk the ropes have earned the right to go choose any stage anywhere i murk, anywhere i am alert
Got Vision, made my decision, what i wanna get schooled, back in revision

All i really want is money in my pocket
Cash in my hand yo
Skrilla in my Wallet
All i really want is money in my pocket
Cash in my hand and
Skrilla in my wallet yeah
Skrilla in my wallet
(I want) Skrilla in my wallet
Skrilla in my wallet
Skrilla in my wallet yeah

My cosy bed, the new PJ and a double chocolate muffin

2009-01-04T22:41:00.006+02:00

Back to my crib in P'boro after those full long days in London...It reminds me of the times I used to get into my dad's car and leave my grandparents' house to start school the next day.

Sundays used to be so bitter - huge tasty lunch after which I'd have to do my homework and get my uniform ready. It wasn't about how bad school was, but about how compulsory it was and how I was obliged to wake up at 7am. And as much as I love my mom's voice today, I used to hate hearing her at least 5 times a morning 'Roxi...Roxi?'

Now I'm a grown up, but somehow that immature side of me which I like to keep and protect made me feel sorry at 6.40 am Friday when my sis went on her plane. I also felt sorry I had to pack and leave London.

I'm in deep love with London, even during freezing weather: always with its streets crowded with hundreds of people, always having something going on in a pub, Southbank or Barbican, or God knows in which other place.

Such a big city...It's easy to get lost in the crowd and enjoy it. People are smiling and you can't ever be too shy to smile back. You can express yourself and never be too exaggerated - thank God for British girls, the only ones whom can speak for longer than I do, louder than I do and many times pure non sense, as friends can testify I also do...

I left London and somehow made it right in time, my huge luggage (as if only now I had arrived from Romania) did not trouble too much and submissively followed along the way.

So I got home - my one and only personal space where I can hide and no one would come looking for me (wonder why...). It's a lovely room, even if it's placed in a quite boring town. A room with pictures of friends, card and paintings, a cosy tall bed where I am sitting and typing. All alone in a new pj and struggling to finish the too sweet muffin left on the night sand.

Rewinding through today's tape -a concert in the morning, a talk over coffee with a friend on our 2009 plans, phone calls, worried mom and dad about recession, plans to get over it, tube on way back, cleaning, packing, train, unpacking, laundry, checking out flights, facebook (total addiction), writing therapy.

Most of it? Routine. Lack of essence, must dos, time killers...and decisions.

Tomorrow? Putting on my glasses, long hours of work, that crappy feeling when you open your inbox and 100 unread e-mails flow over you, day running by, running to the gym where you get toned up, some healthy dinner and quick chats, planning and re-planning all these trips.

Gotta dos?

Buy lots of books on HR strategies, Marketing, Learning and Development and start reading more - each trip with the train, plane, bus.

Catching up with friends from home and their stories.

Discipline and refraining from: writing, feeling or talking too much.

Attention paid to others' advice but sticking to own decisions.

Cheering up - got a nice place to come back to.

And what about all those volunteering plans?

Dear diary, I think I'm done with all this monologue...got a friend buzzing on messenger. At least that I've got to offer, haven't I?

2009 - a year of calculation

2008-12-21T17:42:00.006+02:00

2008 is almost over. Done. Ended. No time to look back.

But before the fast forward, a bit of rewinding and final balance has to happen:

1. worked on a selection&training project in Romania. Evaluated over 2000 applications. Made friendship stronger with old colleagues of mine.

2. been accepted for a traineeship in UK- maybe one step back but definitely many others forward.

3. been rejected a visa, got the second one for a change. Didn't mind - plenty to do at home and a lot of lessons on quick action learnt.

4. travelled to UK. Many new friends gained. A lot of help taken and given. A few lost friend as well. A lot of smiles. A lot of tears. No one knew about them. That gives me a lot of comfort.

5. worked in UK doing plenty of things I don't like but benevolently putting my skills and brains to it. Given my best to people who had almost nothing to give to me. Disciplined and demonstrated I can do. More and more - till rules and regulations fall behind openness and innovative approach.

6. learnt to understand other cultures and enjoy being only half Romanian - the rest: Indian, French, Hungarian, German....maybe British the least. Very few people have been genuinely interested in understanding my culture, for some of them Romania is about the beautiful girls whom they meet.

7. travelled a few within UK, been to a couple of museums, some concerts, some events, all of the things everyone does. But it's piece of puzzle near piece of puzzle. And I still got my mind on some essential ones I need to mend.

8. sinned:-). And when I say 'sin' I mean it's a sin to give so much trust to people you've just met or to expect anything of them. 'Sin' it's also keeping your mind and arms continuously open with no pre-testing at all. I'm an easy going girl. What do you know? Maybe there's more to it than that...

9. Sorted out my visa queries. The visa is not an issue. The financial crisis indeed is. Also my plans for the future.

So, getting to the fast forward, in short sentences...

2009 shall be:

1. A year of discovered opportunities: masters in the best place I will find (both Europe and India are an idea).

2. New roles and higher responsibilities to take.

3. Clarity on what I want to take to Romania. I am not here to travel. I'm here to get a better idea on how to make the world a better place. And my country does need a lot of improvement. That means a lot of strenght and nerves to waste, which I feel up to.

4. Calculation.

I've spent a lot of time this year saying 'yes' to fun and to people I care about. 2009 will be the year when I'm not afraid to cut people from the list. And sit more at home with myself.

I've spent a lot of time wondering what the others need, what our friendship needs and how I can be of help. 2009 shall be an year where I think of how much I can give and will no longer stretch. One cares first for their own happiness - so I needn't worry. Few will be those who do care about what makes me happy.

I've spent a lot of time on planning, out of which nothing has come out. 2009 shall be a year of timely action. As unless you don't calculate time (which is scarce and selfishly hurried) life passes you by. Dreaming is nice. But why fantasising when things can turn to reality?

A woman

2008-12-12T00:57:00.002+02:00

Romanians say a true woman must be:

~ a good mother for her children
~ a genuine lady in society
~ a good cook in the kitchen
~ a whore in bed.

I've never trained myself for any of these, but I feel I have full potential for each of them.

4

2008-11-28T23:59:00.003+02:00

For the times when the sky is known to have no limits and casts those limits on you, falling on you with all its clouds.

For the plans you make and which don't hold true, for being able to cry, for understanding others are crying for their lives.

For the calm and the light you can give to people and for your strength to take it away.

For the times when your sexual act gets disrupted by a mental cramp which tells you 'this is not ok'.

For the times when you are alone in front of a big dream and it's difficult for it to come to true - staring at a dream it's the most disgusting thing on Earth if you don't know how to let go of it.

For the friends you love with all their worst behaviours.

For the family who gets worried for you, phones you, teaches you how to decide, accepts you with all your doubts and takes you back.

For an equilibrium we all are searching for and for the distances which turn into nothing.

For the times you let go of control and understand your dear ones need to fly, to learn, to be uncomfortable.

For the times you need to stop unnecessary sacrifice and for the times you're not taking anything for granted.

For the times you can dial more than 3 numbers to make a decision and your dearest ones will pick up and give the best of what they can to you.

For the mornings when you travel to a friend's house and for the warmed up soups you eat together.

For holding your breath and taking a respectably right position in front of your feelings, which make you weak.

For being able to say 'no' to something that has for such a long while been a misleading 'yes'.

For a special few who text, call and write without expecting you to be the first one to do so.

For the times when a message pops into your window and you don't fee lonely anymore.

For the times you wish to God you wouldn't be right and so many things weren't wrong.

For the times you can put right what once has been done wrong.

For packing and unpacking and for a huge and out of understanding love for people you've just got to know - for this is expanding your soul's barriers til it gets bigger, nicer and pleasantly out of control.

And for shutting up then when you've done too much of speaking :-)

And I'm still wait for something to happen...(Oda in Piata Romana)

2008-11-21T23:08:00.004+02:00

In Romania (what a way to start a phrase...) Well, yes, in Romania we have a band called OCS aka Omul cu Sobolani = The Man with the Rats, which has a very nice song called 'Ode in the Roman Square'/'Oda in Piata Romana'

Firstly - Roman Square is a central place in Bucharest which is sang about over and over again in different songs, which makes me annoyingly emotional thinking of my University years and the Academy of Economical Studies, the Moxa dorms and the white big flakes falling over my shoulders.

Secondly - the song is about standing still while time passes you by. That's practically like dying a bit each day, a practice we all adopt in some days of our lives.
The song says:

And it fits me so well this role -
Of staying all day long in bed
And nicely waiting for the moment
When all it's gonna change...
And it fits us so well the role
Of spending all day long in bed
And nicely waiting
For the moment when everything's gonna change

And I'm still waiting for something to change
And I'm still waiting for something to change...

And, as the cherry on top of the cookie:

I'm meeting my girlfriend again,
I guess she'd like to date another one
For the moment, that's not my problem.
My love, if I were you
I'd have met someone else already
Someone who could give you something
As I'm just gonna have a fag.

Thirdly - what is the reason for me translating this? Well, we all feel a little depressed once in a while and I'd rather take it out through music.

I remember my days smoking or drinking something in Piata Romana, the minutes waiting for my friends, the times I got stood up or stood up on someone, those blue eyes staring at me, a friend of mine crying and I telling jokes to cheer her up.

Since then, 2002 I guess, I'm still waiting for something to happen, something BIG that will ultimately change my life for the very best. We live waiting for Godot and he won't come. Not ever.

In those particular days when seconds are empty, when we are not satisfied with the impact we have on others and somewhat dissatisfied with the impact others have on us, we are just waiting. And the moment something has really happened, we won't let go of it although we have to.

Ela was with me at the tube saying 'bye'. She had tears in her eyes - how can someone miss me as much?
Bye bye's on the Victoria tube platform, on platform 13 in the Northern Train station, or near Romana Square. He gave me a book and he told me he'd like to do a good deed each day. And he did one the same evening
Bye bye's near the airplane in a sunny afternoon. It's all in the eyes - the stare of time through their eye, fixing your eye, like a tear is about to drop but it shall not.

And I'm still waiting for something to happen...

I stood in front of people and not even once have I succeeded not stuttering. It's so much to be said I drive my words with a too high speed for them to come true of meaning. They remain just words.

Not even when I've started learning acting have my words came true: some lines coming out, excessively supported by gestures.

I'm older of age now, I took a 3 hours and 8 months trip, but, somehow, I'm still waiting for something to happen.

Babylon :-)

2008-11-17T00:31:00.001+02:00

Terms and conditions

2008-11-07T20:05:00.001+02:00

Picture yourself.
All alone in a warm room listening to music and looking at some random blog. It's a guy you've never met, some good friend of yours has fallen in love with. However, he is writing a song and recording it on youtube for some other lady.

Picture yourself.
You're coming back from work in an evening like any other evening and it's been of those days when nothing goes right.

Picture yourself.
You're taking off your shoes, warming up some cereals with a strange tear in the corner of your eye.

When we meet people, when we make friends, when we choose lovers, we never sign a virtual agreement on what we're supposed to do and what not.

When we come into life, we never sign a virtual agreement on how hard we're gonna try, when we're gonna take a break and what we're gonna be willing to accept.
And here I am today, having to make these decisions.

At the very moment when I am writing I think about some people at home reading this. It's funny, but people do enjoy your misery to some extend - I feel like I am entertaining people, giving them subjects to think and giving them the priceless chance to say: 'look, she did so much, she tried so much, but yet she is unahppy' - that brings much of a comfortable feeling in people's lives: to know others are not better, to have a comparison that will make them feel happier with themselves.

I'm definitely not unhappy. I just feel I didn't draw my terms and conditions yet and I let myself taken away by the stream.

I am in a job where I know I am appreciated and I know I am appreciated because I am needed, that's all - nothing else. It's so opposed to what I used to do, to what I used to dream, to what motivates me to get at work with my usual smile on my biiig face. And I am here for the past 8 months, happily carrying on and making it. I could be so much better, but for the next 6 months I'll still be in the same place, with the same colleagues and same job description.

I decide this - not regretting it, not happy with it.

I remember having read someone's lines when after his traineeship abroad: he said you need to find your opposite and stretch. If you like cleanliness go where there's dirt. If you like it quiet go there where there's a noise; if you like sun, go there where's rain. And I think I am stretching...pushing myself to learn, to become stronger.

I am here without some friends, blindly loosing another friend. It's not the first time, so this lifelong training does me a lot of good. During our lives, we don't sign any contract with any of our friends in which it's said: 'I shall not hurt you/ I shall not let you down/ I shall not give up on you' That's the beauty of life - you get the most beautiful kicks in the head, you live - you learn.

Most of the times, no one carries a guilt - this life is so amazingly strange: you learn how to clutch at some people and then instantly have to let them go. And if you practice this exercise enough times, you learn to get used to a few tears and a song, used to avoiding questions and stepping on - you can't walk on in the beginning, but if you just step and step (even if you step in the same place) at least you produce some energy that would finally make you move once it gathers.

I'm this engine: stepping on, sometimes stepping too harsh, sometimes chocking. But in the end I let myself go and some other influencing factors will come and put me back on the track, the way nature and life direct everything like a script. Unless you say 'yes' to it you go insane.

I just say 'yes' without terms and conditions. Without regrets. Feeling somewhat empty, but having the internal resources to fill that emptiness.

PS - It's just a phase, it's not forever.

Soulstorming

2008-10-25T23:52:00.004+03:00

I am wandering on the streets of Bucharest ahey-ing me in their new fashion...
I carry my big bag with me and a bunch of memories coming back alternatively under the pile of yellow - reddish leaves of autumn.

We are so much used to this concept of 'brainstorming' but, somehow, that many feelings and my way of deciding/doing things lead me to another concept - 'soulstorming'. And this is a process going on inside of me, triggered by my interaction with people near me.

Weird thing, the love never faded away, nor people's interest in me. Distance only puts some differences of perception between us, if any.

And I am not lonely in the way I imagined I would be when I left, nor have I ever been, here or there (I am so much confused now with what is 'here' and what is 'there' exaclty, so I am not trying to define it).
It's been an egostic return all the way - only seen a few people at a time, enjoyed them tremendously and got to hope to some extent they're enjoying me. I guess they must be, as I have a stupid humor and I do complicate things at all times, I dance and I talk a lot (God gave me the gift of speaking and it seems I cerish it the most).

I keep soulstorming - my grandparents are older, more sensitive, waiting for me and I am never there for them.
My parents laugh and keep protecting us and I try to give them back as much as I can.
We fight a lot at times and help and love each other until we decide we'll go through the pain of accepting each other as we are.

My brother has so much of the guts I barely gained at his age, but it's also this that gives him the nerve not to study or trust in school.
My sister is flying fo Rome without having all papers in place yet, nor accomodation. I've been there for her as much as I could these days and I don't know where to stop helping her and whether I shoud better let her fly at some point.

My friends...such strong personalities! People who never give up, who are determined, who are serene and happy in their own special way. Many times we don't think alike, and the different views keep us together all the more: I, for one, need these people to disagree with me, to listen and then bring in an argument I hadn't thought of.

It's not at all easy to come back to London, as it wouldn't at all be easy leaving it. So I'm soulstorming and walking on with the storm on the inside.

It's such a few time...1 hour...what can I esentially say in these 60 minutes of time that would sum up what I feel? So I say nothing and keep being me - the one they've chosen as a friend (hmm...maybe 'cause I also chased them like a fool:D)

It doesn't feel like I've been gone. Nor did I change - same person, same feelings, same thoughts and views. There are many events which went on in each of our little perfect lives, we're aware of them but they didn't change us.

I don't care now for what will be my next role, I don't care now who's going to be my lover/boyfriend/guy (I've never been good with this area of my life), I don't care now what my parents will say if I stay longer, I don't care now about the bits that have kept me unhappy in my job.

All I care about is being awake and aware in those few 3 hours of my flight and trying to analyse more who Rox is and why is she such a sensitive person. And in those 3 hours of flying I'll give myself the trust that, no matter what happens, life will take me where I need to be - as it has done so until now.

PERFECT 10 MY ASS:))

2008-10-11T13:00:00.001+03:00

what if...

2008-10-09T02:12:00.001+03:00

Concepts one understands better during week-ends

2008-09-28T17:39:00.005+03:00

There's a two days time one gets to reflect over the week and next week, over own lifestyle and connections with others, called 'week-end'.

While one has fun and explores ways to make time value more, there are several concepts one can understand better:

1) the 'achievement' concept.
While leaving the office on Friday night, one can asses what has happened during the week and which were the key learning points at work and in life in general.

The more one evaluates, the higher the aims become. For instance, once you have started reporting to senior management on a certain type of data you can no longer accept mistaking or giving a wrong picture - although unwillingly you might do that.

Achievement can be either reaching one goal that has been settled some time ago either a 'luck strike' - the way it happens when meeting professionals and they are sharing precious pieces of information.

Achievement generally in life consists for majority of people in: having a fulfilling career and a nicely projected career path, having a consistent social life where one is appreciated and can make those around feel comfortable, having a beautiful family and most likely another 'half' who is part of every day negative or positive breaths and takes pleasure in it.

If one of the above doesn't go well, it is highly likely that the others will be impacted, and then it's time to make a decision.

2) the 'grabbing' concept
While evaluating persons of opposite sex, many drawbacks can appear. The type - he is too young, he is too much of a good guy and I don't want to hurt him, he isn't hot enough for my taste (no salt an pepper), we cannot carry an interesting/breath taking discussion, i don't expect that he could have good sex and mostly how will we look at each other the second morning?

The same questions are into male brain as well, but in a much more diminished measure - they live more in the moment.

While giving my honest and thought through reasons (apparently over-thought), one of my male friends explains how they (MEN) have spent the last centuries trying to grab us, while modern times require more action from a girl's behalf. Short conclusion and statement - 'we just want to be grabbed'. Being asked 'what if we then change our minds?' the same analyst stated -' then you grab someone else and we'll come finding you on our feet as our pride and male instinct will lead us to the one who'd be able to grab more':-).

At the same time, a female friend of mine and myself noticed the behaviour of a girl who did know how to grab, heat the pray then let it go. We both agreed I need to learn from her, and as well on the fact that sometimes you need to be selective.

Given my wrong 'grabbings' so far, while on a discussion with a male friend, I stated I don't need to find anyone as 'he will find me'. Pretty passive approach, but also a comfortable one. All the more when he agreed 'for sure he will'.

So, I'll be practicing my grabbing skills from now on, with the amendment I do expect a man to be more decided that it's me whom he wants before I make the final move.

3) the 'alternative solution' concept
This week end I did a favour to a friend but did not succeed in doing it right from the first time. Meaning I had to take some documents from the bank and shortly send them via courier. Going back to concept 1 - my idea of achievement in life is helping people change their lives for that which they consider it's the better. So I prefer sacrificing 2 hours of work and go help a friend.

Another part of the 'achievements' I have had so far is developing my skills to connect information and also being more analytic, even under stress or pressure. This time it did not work, so I had to do it all over again and think of a new solution. The 'alternative' solution can only be found on the condition of exploring which are the possibilities, call as many persons as possible in effective time and dare to challenge rules imposed by external parties.

Added to that, one basic condition is to suggest to your own self all the time (or have a good friend to suggest that once you get a bit depressed) that this is not the final resolution and you can try something else.

4) the 'late breakfast' concept
This concept is to be experienced once you've gone through 'party like a beast' stage which is too obvious and too popular of a motive for me to tackle on it.

Late breakfast (in its best meaning) is waking up at 12.30, having a quick shower and moving gently so that you don't wake the others up. It is also sneaking out of the house to go buy vegetables, fruits, cheese and juice and coming back in less than 30 minutes to have the salad done and the platanos fried before all the others wake up.

It is also eating at the same time and table and organizing a team building while washing the dishes. Best place to do all that: the international house at Mile End where you can become part time member if you try hard enough:-).

6) the 'rebonding'concept
One in a while life is so kind as to bring near you friends you did not see for a long time and whose liveliness and sense of humour you've missed - these are, for me, old AIESEC friends in Romania who have managed to do better in life than I did. I'm anyway happy for them and to some extend satisfied with the life I lead.

Rebonding is always a reason for rejoicing and celebration, making fun and setting plans, as well as for complaining (my case) if you don't like your job or if you don't have a boyfriend. You might as well hear some gossip, some if it also involving you - things you have to set clear - or some advice (even if I don't like advice, when it comes from certain people, I kind of appreciate it).

Rebonding could be weird if the people involved don't appreciate each other. In our case, it's like just some days have passed and nothing essential has changed in us.

7) the 'solitude' concept
What's the difference between 'solitude' and 'loneliness'? - simple, solitude is enjoying being alone. Sometimes we need it - to think over, to enjoy long baths, to write long posts on the blog [smiley], to makes ourselves look nice on the outside or on the inside.

Reading the latest post of a dear friend in Romania, I have taken a more in debt thought over my moments of solitude and I can say I am enjoying them. This thing has changed in the last 5 months since I came - I had reached a point in my life in Romania when I felt I cannot waste a second without having fun or having others around. At that point I seeked people's presence even if they were not worthy or we had nothing in common.

This also happened as I had a strange pre-cultural shock reaction: I was afraid I will not make it:-). Even now sometimes I'm afraid I'll not be able to make it till the end, but watching myself in the mirror I see better I'm quite a catch and others should be looking for me;-).

This post started in a very formal style (I wished for it to be so initially) but it turned out to be mostly informal, like the author. Hope you, my friends, enjoyed and connected to it.

Have a good day/sleep, everyone!:)

I Need a HERO

2008-09-15T03:06:00.001+03:00

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder end rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

As much love as my heart can force itself to give

2008-09-13T01:43:00.002+03:00

[Please bear with my mushiness, fluffiness, emotional moments and so on]

I here now introduce to you a person I care about with all the strenght of my soul - BIANCA.

We had a conversation tonight on yahoo messenger and somehow I stopped, willing to give myself a slap in my very face. I remembered whom is waiting for me at home, who needs me and to whom I've been dedicating a part of my life.

Bianca is a sensitive person, with a very developed practical sense - so she is realism + romanticism all into one and I think she'll make the best catch for any guy should she make her mind upon any one of all who are around her.

Sometimes, in the midst and vacuum-ness of our daily activities, we forget who matters and whom we really love deep in our heart. Mostly for a Latin person like me, there is feeling in almost anything - thus, you can imagine how much feeling there is in my family.

One of my ex-boyfriends was also on line and suddenly speaking to him while I was speaking to her made me realise why we care for some people so much more than for the others - love has to be deserved. I don't love my sis only because she is my sis, but because she dares, she is hard working, she is kind, she is always there for me, he knows how to smile and how to cry and both of these things can make you melt.

I have loved him for a short time and took my love back - you should never invest more energy than required for someone who doesn't invest as much in gaining your affection each day:-).

As the lyrics of 'Amazing Grace' say - I have been blind, but now I see - I see there is much more to life than running after things you won't ever have, I see you have to remember and to cherish the people in your life - in the end life is about you and them in the shapes of harmony.

There are many people alike Bianca, it's just that she never ceases to amaze me and make me proud, so I thought at least once I should introduce her to random readers and about 3 regular readers (Marina, Alma and Dee) of my blog.

If you want to know more about what Bianca can do and if you want to spend a bit of your time enjoying arts, please go to:
www.biancaionita.blogspot.com
and
www.bianca-ionita.blogspot.com

And remember to show your affection to people who matter;)

Actually...not:-)

2008-09-10T01:28:00.001+03:00

See, my eyes are just holograms [I shall never cry again]

2008-08-27T23:04:00.002+03:00

My dearest dears,

Tonight, getting some time for me to do the laundry, to eat properly and admire the house (I got locked outside as I forgot the keys in the office...) I just want to thank to whomever of you still reading this pathetic blog.

I tend to believe my extremist way of living will get me in trouble some day so I decided to change a few things here and there:-).

Last night, I fell asleep tired, but with all my bad feelings converted to tears. I must admit I had never cried as much before and at midnight, after looking in the mirror, I felt a bit scared and uncomfortable - my eyes were swollen like never before, the left one was barely open.

I guess it was everything - pressure and discomfort in my job, missing my family, my best friends, plus some time with myself alone, so much needed but a bit self-destructive as well.
I now appreciate Sight and Eyes - so sensitive and fragile. So I won't cry anymore, no matter how unpleasant it will be to hold the tears back.

What is even funnier is the fact that people are generally surprised with my positiveness and optimism and I don't know how and when they faded away. I want to choose to be serene no matter what. 'Happy' has been too over-used to sound alike to its original meaning.

So, I just wish you all serenity - the ability to look at the sky when the road is too shallow, to inhale and breathe freely getting your brain on the right track when you feel close to insanity, to put a distance between the every day stress and rude words you hear and come back to your own karma or turiya.

Thank you for being there for me when in need - it's like getting warm near a stow when you've been walking through muddy cold waters.

I don't know if I should talk more or learn to deal with the things on the inside. I just know I need a break from writing on my blogs, a time with me when I do what I initially wanted to do when I came here - learn discipline.

My eyes are just holograms...but I have my other senses guiding me. And I shall never cry again [or at least for a couple of months:-)]

Missing,
Pox

Black dots

2008-08-25T03:23:00.001+03:00

...coming back under the stary sky...

So you're with her - and not with me
I hope she's sweet, and so pretty
I hear she cooks delightfully,
a little angel beside you
So you're with her -not with me
Oh how lucky can one man be?
I hear your house is smart and clean
Oh how lovely, with your homecoming queen
Oh how lovely it must be...
(loads of credit to Dido)

My little Indian adventure

2008-08-21T01:31:00.011+03:00

I stepped into the room 4 months ago. I could hardly connect to anyone, nor did I understand why do you have to gather so many people at the table to be able to enjoy your lunch.

On Thursday I helped them prepare the event, I went out eating with them and I took Anshoo home with me.

On Friday I have danced with them, wore a saree, had my palm cooling while a nice henna drawing was being laid on and I have listened to a song which eventually became a sweet obsession - 'Maa Tujhe Salaam'.

On Saturday I woke up at 7 am (yes, SEVEN) to go assist Anshoo on a training where I have met the best delegates (maybe also because the Business Relationship Manager was there and they have a pretty boss-respectful culture).

Today I again had the 30 minutes lunch in our cafeteria and turned to better look in their eyes and see how innocent and well intended they are - even more than a Romanian would be.

I enjoy having my bits of Indian adventure, much better now, when I understand and RESPECT it.

Trish came to my desk and told me how nice I looked. But I know what was the thing which made my average beauty be so appreciated - nothing is spicier and more worth living than to see another nationality enjoying being in your nation's shoes:-))

PS - I am in UK and I still enjoy my wkds in London.

that i would be good

2008-08-17T23:18:00.001+03:00

today while on a Gospel workshop the choir instructor said 'stop thinking about how nice you look and close your eyes - it's not how pretty you are that's important, it's the sound that's important'

and I wish I was as ugly as to be able to sing this song right now:-)

15th-Aug-1947

2008-08-14T20:28:00.003+03:00

My friends are getting ready for it. There's noise all around the office. Deepthi smiles - I am here for the eve, not going to London anymore.

It's a joy that's not mine, but which I respect.

So I'll just quote:

"At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new…India discovers herself again."
- Jawaharlal Nehru
(on Indian Independence Day, 1947)

My image of life

2008-08-11T01:09:00.004+03:00

My job makes me want to surpass my own self in every way of its meaning. And think about more than that.

Each morning I wake up and go there striving to do it better this time. I have no doubts I am a good person and a fully responsible employee. And I know for sure I have done a great deal of good and have brought a positive touch in all the environments where I have previously worked. It’s just this time I have to be a master of excel and PPT and sort out for myself where information is coming from. It’s a much stressed period of the year and I get a lot of pressure from my colleagues who are not so open to include me in the team, who are not so patient and whom I try to understand and appreciate.

Sometimes I just stop and think: what if tomorrow I am diagnosed with a supposing incurable disease, such as, easiest example, AIDS? What would I feel and which would be my priorities in life?

I perfectly know what would my first thought be – ‘I have to protect my family’. And I would choose to tell them only when I am at home, when everyone is there on a Sunday afternoon.

I remember that time the car hit me in March, 9th, 2005 – no one in my family knew until I got home sane and safe. And the second morning after that happened; I was on a car in the way to an HR conference next to Cluj.

If I had AIDS, I would probably freak out in the first minutes, I would not care where I have it from and I wouldn’t blame anyone. I would just look better at myself in the mirror and finally realise that I look almost perfect, that I’ve been blessed with people and that probably most of them will feel sorry for me and eventually understand I still got life on my side.

+
I try to imagine myself with a parachute letting wind take me wherever. But at the same time, I try to imagine how I:

- read all the books I wanted to and never did
- go to places I had thought it’s not possible before (because of money)
- dance until my lungs cannot do it anymore
- walk and get dazed in the sea of green around me
- be close to my friends once I fell at peace with myself
- quit and do a job where I can feel I ‘touch’ people around me
- learn to swim and ride the bike
- tell people more often how I love them and appreciate them
- clean the house more and stay away from my laptop
- spend some time at my window and write a lot, trying to get away from the pain and inventing nice stories for people around me.

-
There are probably a lot of darker feelings which I would experience, given my stubbornness and my specific trait of worrying all the time:

- I would probably like to know how much more I have got left and, if not satisfied by the answer, argue with the doctor (anyway, many just give their opinion like it’s a given fact and nothing can fight it. No shit?!)
- Many times I would like to hide and cry and very rarely cry in front of someone else (I anyhow dislike crying in front of others as my eyes get red and I look like a frog)
- I would read a lot on all sites and books about my sickness and try to acknowledge what is happening with me, inside of me – being at the same time prepared to take the worst, panic, talk to my best friend or go for counselling
- I would expect people to start avoiding me, pity me, feel sorry and not open to get to know me better. I would also give people the chance to positively impress me by demonstrating me their maturity and friendliness
- I’d be alone sometimes, scared to be alone other times, but happy if anyone would have the guts to intrude and take the patience to understand.

But I am fine, I am glad I am and understand the importance of it. I will not quit my job, I will not hide and I will live my life as it is, as I have made it – I take the credit for it, as well as the well deserved slaps in the face.

It’s a long road to take – sometimes it feels too long, sometimes it feels painfully short – but I here I am, walking it, feeling it under my toes, in between my ribs, it’s fun and weird at the same time and nothing will disconnect me from it.

I’ll dream a nice dream tonight, I’ll invent one. And tomorrow, no matter how busy I am, I will smile at my colleagues and let them know I care about them as people. My caring so much might not always be the best, but I like it and will not let go of it, what the heck?

Here she goes again...

2008-08-05T01:18:00.002+03:00

What can I do if I love music?
I've been trying for 2 hours to post it on my blog and it didn't work, so here are the lyrics.
Wonder how can one handle something as beautiful as this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmgRNxcy07s&feature=related#

"When The Stars Go Blue"
(feat. Bethany Joy Lenz)

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in my wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

[x2]
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue

Follow you
Follow you

When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Where do you go when you're lonely?
Where do you go when the stars go blue?

reD lighT

2008-08-02T14:56:00.003+03:00

Stopped during this week-end for a simple analysis of my previous 2 posts - I wonder how can a person who feels so fine one day can be so sad in the other. Maybe it's a sangvinic trait, maybe it's a bit of insanity, maybe the fat that I am in another country puts its mark on it.

No certainties - everything is 'maybe'. I don't like being sure of myself and how I am. I also leave some space for thinking, for self-analysis, for going back, rewinding, taking it forward.

I do love my friends, I do work with passion, I do focus and loose my focus when tired. And I am happy I get to meet these wonders. Yesterday evening at the MC transition party I understood why AIESEC has been for me a good environment to develop - not only because we're open and craving to bring a positive touch to society, but also because we are easy going, not afraid to be touchy and we can dance til the end of world with a smile on our face.

Reading my own post (' I am who I am...') I can notice my roots will never be torn apart - I will always put on the first place my friends at home, the ones who have stood near me for years and years in times of good and in times of trouble. It's normal to be so.

I am also surprised how important are my new friends for me. And I am willing to give a chance to these friendships not only on a short term, but forever. I have been sleeping near these people, spending mornings near these people, singing and dancing and making fun. So everything they say and do matters.

I never get to say these things out loud - do we ever unless forced by circumstances?:-) but I enjoy BEING and so I'll just listen to another song: sometimes music is the answer.

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
Not alone, tell me you feel it too
And I would runaway
I would runaway, yeah
I would runaway
I would runaway with you
.
(Chorus)
Cause I have fallen in love
With you, no never have
I'm never gonna stop falling in love, with you
.
Close the door, lay down upon the floor
And by candlelight, make love to me through the night
Cause I have runaway
I have runaway, yeah
I have runaway, runaway
I have runaway with you
.
(Chorus)
.
And I would runaway
I would runaway, yeah
I would runaway
I would runaway with you
.
(Chorus)

Places where disconfort takes me

2008-07-31T01:36:00.002+03:00

I am trying to get a right idea of whether this internal storm is because of my PMSing or because of my being dissapointed. It might be both.

I am thinking of how to survive my own dissatisfaction with myself, the things I do, their quality, the relationships with people I meet.

At the end of the day, in many cases, I can see no result whatsoever although I wake up at 7.00 and go to bed at midnight. During this time, I am tensed and I let others put even more tension on me.

Some days ago I was coming back from Peterborough and my boss looked at me and said I have red eyes. I couldn't tell him that I have been crying, that had he not been here with me i would be crying again, there, at the tube, not caring about anyone and anything.

One colleague of mine sent me today an e-mail starting such as 'Poxi Moxi Toxi'. I won't get into details, but stripping in front of others it's a very bad idea. I am also stripping - of my soul's clothes in here and I feel it's the only way to get away - I fear at times I will only get blocked at the end of the road and none of my friends will be there.

I am here, after a gtalk, asking myself bluntly where do I stand and where are the people who really care about me. I am just an object of making fun and people like me cause I am good to them. They don't care...and why should they?

I once set an objective of making others happy - very similar to Walt Disney's simple dream. Tonight, I don't feel up to it. More than that, I am trying to capture moments when I did that and nothing comes out...

I wish my friends would like me for who I am, with all goods and bads, and stop making me feel as guilty as my job does.

I just had to take it all out - as I am, as known, weak and a cry baby.

So I'll just stop this post and cry a bit more. Feels better when it gets you to sleep and not think of anything at all.

This is for you...as I am who I am because of everyone

2008-07-26T11:29:00.003+03:00

[inspired by http://www.i-am-everyone.co.uk/home.php]

I am here because the wind (and the airplane) took me here. I had never settled for a goal or a place - I had just felt the need to break free.

And I am…

I am Dee – my curly friend with butterflies in her hair and light short dresses and love for the sea.
I am Ela – my naïve friend who knows a lot of theory about sex and with whom I like skinny dipping at Vama Veche in the morning or late at night.
I am Maria – my first ever best friend, companion and role model – such a kind and honest person and whose house doors are always open.
I am Ana – who talks bluntly, out loud, who dares, who’s there for you and is very likely to become a great manager.
I am Mo – in whose arms you’d love to sleep, whose letters you’d love to read, who has a voice to die for.
I am Radu – who travels and takes pics and makes the Universe seem prettier and colourful.
I am Alma – who has a rich blond hair and bright open eyes, who is adventurous and with whom you could fly anywhere.
I am Mer – who’d depict the world in original colours and add some slow jazzy tune to it - so that you’d love living even more.
I am Marina - who would share music and thoughts with you, whose laughter and tonic voice would make the best start of a day.
I am Beb – who has a lot of plans, a lot of subjects to tackle, who has a long curly hair and cooks really well.
I am Codruta – who makes distance between two people seem a joke, who makes the world a playground, whose Romanian accent arouses.
I am Manish – who has a child - like smile, who is not afraid to touch your hand and heart, who is wise and crazy at the same time.
I am Julien – who doesn’t talk much but breaks the silence with a genuine idea, who accepts and understands everyone and has a nice French accent.
I am Urvi - who dances like no one else, who’s got the looks, with whom you could talk for hours.
I am Jenny – who combines German patience with American thrill, who is out spoken and open, who comes with great ideas.

I am a little of these people as they are leaving their mark on me. I am a simple girl whose steps caress the road.

I am who I am because of everyone...

We did it - THE BIG DANCE :-)

2008-07-19T15:45:00.002+03:00

WE CREATED A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD!

Dear Dancer

A big thank you to everyone who danced last Saturday and if you were watching a big thanks to you too for all your support and cheering! It was really such a wonderful afternoon and I was amazed and moved by all the great outfits and fantastic dancing!

If you weren’t able to make it on the day – we’ll be posting a video of the event on the website in the near future so you can still see how it all went.

We made our record - yeah! But far more importantly, we took over Trafalgar Square - the people's square - and showed the world our energy and spirit!

We have a certificate for you to download and would love you to fill in our survey so that the organisers can plan future days like this. The survey only takes a minute and the link to download a certificate is at the end.
http://www.dekretser.com/Survey/TakeSurvey.asp?SurveyID=8JI3p3ML2p45G

I love seeing all the photos you are posting - so please keep them coming in and please keep on dancing!
http://www.thebigdance2008.co.uk/dance/messages.html

If you want to download the music from the event, we have released the enhanced version used on the actual day. Download the mp3 file here: http://www.thebigdance2008.co.uk/dance/music.html

Please forward this email to any friends who were with you the day.

Aletta

What the fuck have you done lately?

2008-07-12T02:08:00.001+03:00

when you have long Fridays and big backpacks in your back, you tend to get tired. sometimes you don't feel well phisically and then you get miserable.

this is pretty much how i felt when getting to Codruta's place. but i just went with Harman for this movie - WANTED. i could predict the shots from the back, i could predict the kissing scene, but the end was absolutely fantastic.

and i don't want t ruin the surprise if you did not yet see it, but the main character, after setting up a plan for his life (the first one he ever had) asks YOU looking back through the camera's eye:

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE LATELY?

i, Rox, haven't done much. and it really got me to thinking...

Staccato

2008-07-07T21:50:00.000+03:00

The day had almost passed by and we were talking -
She spoke, I listened,
She spoke, I didn’t…
Her words were arrows,
Her words were swords.

I cared for her.
So my pain won’t stop my caring.
I listened and I lied – I didn’t like, I just did not tell...
How another one has once torn me apart
When caressing my man in her bed,
When they didn’t tell me,
When the truth was no longer a value,
The truth was a scarlet letter.

Understand. And let there be silence…more silence…for the last words gather in a wound.
To judge, you have to first understand.
So, do not judge what’s out of understanding.

A child came and I looked into both their eyes –
I was now a mother,
I was now a liar,
I wasn’t anyone.

Ten hundred ways to walk away,
To be together,
To make her care,
To play her around,
To have the one of another.

She spoke, I listened,
She spoke, I didn’t…
She spoke, her words were arrows,
Her words were white roses.

As she spoke I changed my mind,
I took my early love
And put it in my pocket.

Unsent...

2008-07-06T11:37:00.001+03:00

Dear all,

I am writing these unsent letters inspired by this song of Alanis's.
Take the patience to read them as I write them all too late and in a mixed feeling of unease and resignation.

Dear B,

I remember my first ever kiss like a leaf caressing my lips. I was so naive I fell in love instantly. You were definitely beautiful and kind, but I…I had dreamt of a love like that forever.
I remember the nights we went out and I kept smiling and dancing til after midnight as you were imitating Michael Jackson and all of your friends were watching us and admiring us as a couple.
I was always seeing you so above me, always being the first to call and agree upon the meeting place and time - 9o'clock Spectrum (that store doesn't exist anymore, alike so many other things gone to waste in our small town...).
Your blue eyes sticked in my mind for a long time. Now I can hardly remember but I still cherish them.
I was young and studying like a nerd and fighting for a better future so it was not meant to be. And we both secretly agreed on it.

Dear F,

I had written you that e-mail with such a huge smile upon my face - as huge as the gap between us.
Your world - so full of glamour, girls and clapping and mine - so shy and trembling and too hard working... I used to drink a lot at that time, but that didn't cast you away. You were still THERE - a lot through all the virtual devices, a lot through this neverending imaginary world of mine in which I might have then created the image of another You - the one I was ready to love and have.
You learnt to take advantage of my words and tears, of my sending you lyrics from a song I'd only share to my best friend.
I learnt to struggle with myself and not misplace my love anymore.
Even if so, I liked each day of my sad amorous adventure of a being that never existed and was never meant to be mine...

Dear V,

Such a child in your gestures, thoughts and looks. You'd have travelled anywhere and tell about your Lemon Tree adventures...I used to love eating and sleeping over yours and you were with me in times of trouble, while trying to get to a home I did not even remember where it was.
We were looking at each other's hearts and opening each other's minds, but in a way which was not That way.
You used to call me each evening and I don't know what the hell I was saying in that 1 hour of time and when I have mistaken by no longer being aware you were there as a friend and a supporting shoulder.
It was my mistake, or, not a mistake but an attempt of offering some gifts I had forgotten how to give.

Dear P,

You and me were trouble and lie. I lied myself to like you and then I had to badly lie to myself not to love you anymore. Everything was forced in the end - my calling you, you rejecting, me ignoring you, you pushing the limits and looking for me every time.
We'll always have the sea and music, which we later can share with everyone so it won't mean that much anymore. We had long talks and long white nights and you made me push my limits in ways I cannot even now imagine while not being shy in showing me affection (or better said attraction) in all the public places.
You used to make me laugh a lot - one time I had to hold on to a tree not to fall off my feet. So it is a paradox how you then made me pay for each laughter with a tear...

Dear B,

I have found you in a very harsh time in your life. And I couldn’t allow myself to mistake - sometimes even caring for someone too much can cause a hurt to that person. And you were hurt enough and I was a coward. By my way of talking and behaving you wouldn't say so. No one would say so. But then again what does 'no one' know?
Your shy smile and soft nails could make the day or evening of any woman, but at any time you would've chosen to say I overrate you than believe it. For me it takes so few to love and I'd have been a sucker for you anytime. I am not smart enough, not patient enough not decided enough on what I want, nor clear enough to my own self [and probably if you read this letter you'd say I underrate myself].
Anyhow, I will forever hope you are happy and serene. And God help you to be so!

Dear God,

I have felt all the above written with all my heart and said it in such a bad way to each of them. The fact is I do not regret having felt love. I do not even regret it not being shared. I just regret it having to be finished - and the final is never happy, how can it be? Many of these have ended before starting. And I wish I could have made a difference and been able to listen in the shadow...

because for me loving comes much simpler than for the others...

2008-07-01T14:15:00.002+03:00

love /lʌv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7. sexual intercourse; copulation.

8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.

14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object) 15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object) 21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.

—Idioms
23. for love, a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.

24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.

25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.

26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.

27. make love, a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.

28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

My way back from home

2008-06-26T20:56:00.005+03:00

***
[28.06.2008] - a perfect morning for writing.

I am in a very creative mood. I feel like today I can finally write something deserving to be read:-).

I will first write about HOME. It is a place full of flowers and odours, of life – people, animals, bees, green, a lot of cold water coming from a soft ground.
For me HOME is not a place to miss, but mostly to cherish and appreciate for the natural resources. It is the countryside and a few genuine and cultural places in Bucharest.

HOME is mostly…MY PEOPLE. Those people who can say and think wonderful things, who have a lot to share and WILL share it. Those people whom you randomly meet and feel so happy that is so. Those beautiful people on the outside and on the inside, those people who know how to enjoy LIFE.

This is my home, my church, my way of living.

I was so tired and could barely talk – or maybe was it the beer?:) – but I still enjoyed each moment. We came together on a wonderful evening on a huge terrace near the National Theatre. And it was the evening of pleasant randomness as many people met many people they did not expect to see. They even thanked Alma and me for arriving so they can as well finally meet. And that was a pleasure we dared handle.

My home is my Romania, my secret places to hide in childhood, the vineyard, the wheat and the corn, the cooking and the eating a lot, my all 4 grandparents who have taken so much care of me that today I learn how to love and give unconditionally. Lixandra, Rada, Nicolae and Petre…
My aunt and my uncle who has constantly taken care of me being fine and well educated.
My parents who know how to handle me, who smile a lot, who know how to fight for life and who have a very developed sense of humour.
My sis and bro of whom I am terribly prouf of and to whose crazyness I feel like I have been contributed a lot :-)…ah, and education, of course…

All these are my HOME which seems so easy to reach… so always there and so always Paradise-like that I don’t have to hurry to get it back. It is the only thing that is always there for me and I appreciate it and enjoy it.

Form my home and from my way of loving, here is a song I prefer from Vama Veche – a band that no longer exists, but will always exist in people’s hearts:

Iubeste mainile si ochii
Love the hands and love the eyes
Si iarta-le dac-au fost clipe
And forgive them if there have been moments
In care n-au stiut sa-ti spuna
In which they didn’t know to tell you
In care n-au putut sa-ti dea
In which they could not give you
Atat cat ar fi vrut
As much as they would have wanted
Atat cat poate dorul ti le cerea.
As much as your heart was asking for -
In dragoste, in randuiala.
In love, in the right way to be.

Iubeste mainile si ochii
Love the hands and love the eyes
Si iarta-le nevruta vina
And forgive them for the unwanted mistake
Caci prea tarziu iesira in cale-ti
As too late they came your way
Si prea curand se duc de tot
And too soon are forever gone
Iubeste mainile si ochii.
Love the hands and the eyes
Dezleaga-mi sufletul de vina
Unchain my heart from its fault
Ca in curand n-am sa-ti mai pot
As soon I won’t be able anymore
Aduce-n maini si-n ochi seninul
To bring in your hands and in your eyes the serene
Tarziul zambet de lumina.
Late smile of light.

Iubeste mainile si ochii
Love the hands and love the eyes
Si iarta-le daca durerea
And forgive them if the sorrow
Ca ti-am plecat va fi mai mare
That I’ve left from you will just grow bigger
Decat norocul, decat norocul
Than the luck
C-am venit.
Of me having arrived.

About coming back to London…it is strange…I live in Peterborough and for me home is in London – here were I have tried all beds and houses, here were I have met people that match my way of being so well, here were these people are incredibly beautiful, simple and open.

I am happy with the chance and choice of coming here. This must not ever be missed – a city that is so lively and diverse with friends who speak an international language – that of friendship.

My enthusiasm of being here cannot be compared to anything I have lived before – it is the first time in my life when I am selfishly taking pleasure in everything I do. Not that before I was not doing things with passion, but now I am out of my comfort zones and that feels so damn good!

Now, I am also happy I found a beautiful house close to the park and it is not that expensive, I will also have a huge bed all for myself:x.

*
Radio Refugee Thoughts is ending its transmission here. Please stay tuned for more random thoughts :-).

***
[27-Jun-08] Thought of the day: I haven't been made for love.
***
[26-Jun-08]
Dear friend,

I am here writing as often as I can and still so rapidly bouncing from thought to thought and always feeling like I'm lacking substance.

I am back from a very nice place in Romania - my home. Been there for 4 days. Few or enough? I'll let my dear ones say. I feel we did not talk much but only having seen them brought a lot of things back.

I want this post to be about how life's in here and the things I miss from home. Unfortunatelly, I have been working for 11 hours now and I am sleepy and hungry. Still, I got +3 kilos fatter.

I'll stop here and soon be back, I hope. Busy-ness and vacuum-ness, that's all I feel right now...

***

Bebel, I am proud of yah!:)

2008-06-25T22:03:00.001+03:00

Some unholy war

2008-06-17T01:03:00.003+03:00

...That kind of internal storm you just gift yourself with at times of doubt.
I never experienced this before - I feel like a sort of drama queen trying to picture the future, trying to embellish it, trying to smile like never before, trying too hard a little bit of everything til she's poor and has nothing left to try.

Just sits, covered in her silence asking questions she'll never have the answer of. And wishing she'd just stop writing, loving to dance, loving to listen music, loving to talk about white horses and colours in the moon, loving to love.

Some unholy war no one can stop anymore, cause time just won't stop and she don't know what she wants to do with the time left. She lives it away, expecting something never happened before to happen. Expecting some external powerful force to shake her for the better.

Such a selfish drama queen...when people out there suffer and cry, when others are fighting for the less lucky ones, when people walk their loved ones home.

Such a drama queen hiding in between seconds and writing again - author of so many other never-to-be-read stories...

Some unholy war in here. Stormy waters.

Been learning patience for a while now. Who knows? Maybe soon someone's gonna learn something from her or at least teach her something.

- Knock knock!

- Who's there at the door?

- This drama queen and her unholy war.

- Go home, there's no one here waiting for you. Come back the way you were!

Shhhh...

2008-06-16T01:47:00.003+03:00

I need a bit of silence and just a tear drop to clear what's on my mind.
I just can never get them.
Lyrics:
(shhhh)
Qui dove il mare luccica e dove tira forte il vento
Su una vecchia terrazza davanti al golfo di Sorriento
Un uomo abbraccia una ragazza dopo che aveva pianto
Poi si schiarisce la voce e ricomincia il canto

Te voglio bene assai
Ma tanto ma tanto bene sai
E' una catena ormai
Che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai

Vide le luci in mezzo al mare penso alle notti la in America
Ma erano solo le lampare e la bianca scia di un'elica
Senti il dolore nella musica si alzo dal Pianoforte
Ma quando vide la luna uscire da una nuvola
Gli sembro piu dolce anche la morte
Guardo negli occhi la ragazza quegli occhi verdi come il mare
Poi all'improvviso usci una lacrima e lui credette di affogare

Te voglio bene assai
Ma tanto ma tanto bene sai
E' una catena ormai
Che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai

La potenza della lirica dove ogni dramma é un falso
Che con un po' di trucco e con la mimica puoi diventare un altro

Cosi divento tutto piccolo anche le notti la in America
Ti volti e vedi la tua vita come la scia di un'elica

Te voglio bene assai
Ma tanto ma tanto bene sai
E' una catena ormai
Che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai

Te voglio bene assai
Ma tanto ma tanto bene sai
E' una catena ormai
Che scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai
Dint'e vene sai
(Lara Fabian - Caruso)

I ain't as bad as I seem, though...

2008-06-14T01:44:00.002+03:00

...and I really like the way it sounds.

But...

Adjectivepoxy (comparative poxier, superlative poxiest)

Positive
poxy
Comparative
poxier
Superlative
poxiest
(medicine) suffering from pox
sickening; unsatisfactory; generally bad

1. poxy
Crappy, stupid, dumb

2. poxy
inferior quality or cheap, especially of scrubberor cheap car lit.

3. poxy
stupid, pox-addled. Adjective from pox, syphillis.

4. poxy
Something that is meant to be fancy, original and upmarket in the owners eyes but in actual fact is overdone and looks stupid.

5. An utter fucktard. A complete waste of human flesh. He/she stays near online forums attempting to fit in, but fails. Poxy is disliked by all.

- bleah, these people don't have any clue on how positive POXY can be. I strongly dilsike the urban dictionaries and do consider poxiness pretty-:))

Of what we have the power to do

2008-06-12T00:42:00.003+03:00

I am back from a 2-days conference in Birmingham.

For those who do not know it, OPS stands for Outgoers' Preparation Seminar and it is a conference designed to introduce young people who go abroad to AIESEC world and concepts like 'cultural shock' and 'cultural sensitivity'.

It is the dearest and closest to my soul conference - I was a participant in 2004 before travelling to Turkey, I was a facilitator in 2006 when I came back from Italy and one of the conference managers in 2007 when I started working but all the time thinking of a future traineeship.

I couldn't have missed the change to facilitate for one here in UK, as here I feel better the differences and I can be an example Exchange is possible, positive and changing.

I have facilitated for more working groups and helped the OC with organizing stuff (I can never keep my hands out of dirty jobs) and I had together with Jenny, my colleague and friend, a session called 'Goal Setting and Reflection'.

I was impressed on how people have reacted. It was (after several facilitating and training experiences) for the first time when I felt proud of what I had done.
We have sent out e-mails to our friends abroad and they wrote us back sending their stories and pix.
We have told these stories with a huge sense of responsibility - other people's stories are sacred and must be respected and treated as such:).
People from AIESEC with a lot of self control and objectivity have came to me and told me that what we did was amazing.
So, if i could help in that I feel that I have used my experience and 2 days time for the best I could ever do.

I must sincerely admit I have always been more attracted to training, learning and arts more than anything else and I think that on the long run this is what I am going to. I cannot imagine living a passionate life without these. And a life other than passionate is no life for me.

I am still investing time, patience and attention in the important reports I am doing and in the sensitive info I have to handle.
I chose this JD as I have the strong conviction one cannot fulfill his/her dreams without being a little organized and thinking strategically.
But outside the office I dream of other thing, I plan other things and sometimes the differences hurt me.

I am not afraid of hurts. I have been there before. I came here searching for them - definitely not in a masochistic way, but I knew learning has to hurt a little.

And I met people I now love. It sound a little far fetched and exaggerated, but it is true. I am in love with London and with what I can do there.
I am in love with what I did on Monday, 9th of June, in Birmingham.

I now know i can do much more and feel up to it. So I will also ask more respect from people around. Cause I know I deserve it.

have a little luv supreme...

2008-06-09T02:50:00.003+03:00

i am at a conference i Birmingham about which i will pretty soon write - it is a very similar feeling to having this blog: some people have professional blogs, blogs about society and culture...i just have a blog about the naked me.

here i am the same - shy and mumbling, not making much sense but saved by the will to give.

sometimes i just feel like taking...checking my friends' blogs who did not write much ever since april. i was thinking of dropping them personal e-mails...i miss them so much and i am trapped in an every day flow that i sometimes despise (or i despise myself through that) and i don't know how to get my people back. they say i am still 'their favorite mistake':P but i am such a possessive control freak at times i'd just like to get on the plane...thank God i did not leave any red or blue love back in romania, cause i don't think i could handle it...

if you read this, guys you know how bad i am with controlling my feelings - i just badly miss you and love you while i get out of my comfort zones and learn to appreciate you even more:)

hugz...to each and everyone in our special way...

Earth Song

2008-06-05T20:35:00.001+03:00

STILL GREEN?
KEEP IT THAT WAY:)

HOME by Michael Buble

2008-05-30T19:28:00.001+03:00

I found it on Georgi's blog. She takes the merrit:).
I am in the office and my eyes hurt. I feel like crying. Sometimes we are alone although we are surrounded by so many people.
And many of the ones who seem to matter should not matter.
'Let me go home'...just for a few days...

Some things no one knows.

2008-05-30T00:16:00.006+03:00

Rox used to be a dancer. Not a great one, but she just closed her eyes on the beach and the rhythm carried her around - next to a shot of tequila, next to a cup of coffee, next to a shy guy.

She used to carry her backpack (familiar?) from the East to West of the country and from the South to the North together with a group of crazy others. The instructor (The Man Dan Dimitriu) told stories, a lot of stories so that children would forget about car sickness and nausea.

We used to sing in a loud voice old and new songs and laugh a lot. We used to kiss guys one night and never meet again. We used to drink a lot and raise our heads to see the stars.

And I never took a good picture of all of these. Now, looking back, I am surprised at how full my life has been. TD - Trupa Dimitriu, AIESEC, acting (just a little), travelling. Not enough pictures taken, not enough rows put down on the paper or on the blog.

But I received these pics from Domnita. She participated in the 10th anniversary of a festival our instructor initiated when we were dancers. He always said we were his best group. I think he might be right. Why? Because behind each artist there must be a man - a person with sensitivity, openness, caring for the other and thoughts of friendship. And, putting modesty aside, we were all that.

I don't know if I miss those moments. But I surely I am happy each time I reminisce.

Have a look...it might not seem much, but when you're in, you're in for A LOT.

'It's you and Rox'

2008-05-28T01:36:00.002+03:00

'She told me this, and today I realized that I did this with 2 people in my life, at least until now. I dropped everything and didn't care and I just was! And she was sooo right, this feels amazing. It's you and Rox, my best friend whom I miss a lot, she is doing an internship near London now.'
[ pumping my narcissistic ego? no, just trying to say 'thank you!']

Supreme - RW;)

2008-05-25T12:16:00.001+03:00

Oh it seemed forever stopped today
All the lonely hearts in London
Caught a plane and flew away
And all the best women are married
All the handsome men are gay
You feel deprived...

There was a world of green around

2008-05-23T00:39:00.002+03:00

There was a world of green around –
This tree was holding half of the world between its hands and all of us were dreaming
beneath it.
There was a sea of green and the mild wind, all that you can wish from a beautiful Sunday.
A brown eye was staring into a tear and it got swallowed. The eye was now a tear,
The arms were roots of the heart and everything was standing still.
It was kind of bright and the giggles of children washed the music away –
There was true music all covered in green and white, and squirrels could climb trees and make friends.
Everything was simple. The words were short - mostly adjectives and pronouns.
- I
- You…Beautiful
- They
- They…silent on the inside.
- You
- I…all lost behind you.
There were so many memories and each one cast the present away.
It used to be so easy to bring it back with a smile…but the green was so friendly
and the brown in that eye so captivating I could no longer be sad.
Some thoughts from the future invaded and didn’t let the arms calm down.
- What’s it going to be?
- Nothing.
And this ‘nothing’ filled the whole park until all the green avenged at it making it full of sense.
This ‘nothing’ became a tree in the park and the pronouns and adjectives became lovers’ stories.
- Where do you go?
- I have to…
- Go, be happy, I don’t mind:)

the essential. naked.

2008-05-19T00:04:00.005+03:00

sometimes when you write you do that out of a very simple and egoistic reason - you need to talk to your own self.

sometimes you write because you feel you need a similar 'you' to listen to you, someone who would not judge but really understand. even if you got so many precious friends, you just need to be with your own self.

there are some lessons i learnt in the past two weeks, and i need to rehearse just not to forget, but mark these moments as very important mile stones:

- i learnt to take - even if i receive something that comes out of nowhere, even if it's somebody new, even if it's not only me the one who receives the gift;
- i learnt to give - even if it's things i never thought i will do, even if i have to forget about my pride, even if i am not the only one who gives;
- i learnt to respect people's secrets. a secret should be an information which concerns more than one person and it should only be shared with the other's agreement;
- i learnt to not be sure about how i feel but not be scared of it: 'whatever tomorrow brings, i will be there, with open arms and open dreams';
- i learnt not to judge a book by its covers and be open to hear the other side of the story first;
- i learnt that nobody is completely right and for that small percent in which we could be wrong we should preserve our modesty and keep our heads down;
- i learnt that one single moment can equal the beauty of several others gathered into one and, for whatever that is worth, we should keep trying;
- i learnt that you cannot make anybody like you if they don't feel like it, but that should never mean you should stop liking the other;
- i learnt that a feeling is that which comes from you, not from the other one towards you, so this is why you have the power to make it worth and be great;
- i learnt i speak too much and sometimes write too much, but i do not regret it and probably should not regret the things i do unless i harmed somebody;
- i learnt to be a child and enjoy lack of money, enjoy the new facilities and be glad for a scarf that i buy. i am again a child by being able to separate segments of my life and cherish each one as i should, like, for example staying lazy in bed with two great friends and watching 'Peter Pan'.

i learnt all of these things and much more but i forgot them the second moment, re-discovered them in the morning and so on, until my life it's a whole learning process where i can try, succeed, mistake for i know the real friends will forgive me, shoot to the centre but hit the margins...who cares...i tried:)!

these are my essentials. and the essential of them lies in the strength i have to believe and acknowledge them.

at least one in a while:)...

The 'few' of different colours

2008-05-02T03:12:00.000+03:00

It’s only been a few since I started dressing smart again
Since I carry my kilos of bags in the train
Since my eyes have the colour of different nations’ eyes
And each time I look at them I feel so un-wise…

It’s only few since I gained in body’s and spirit’s weight
I don’t feel good about the first one…And I learnt how to wait.
Somebody told me how’s to fly for a distance synonym to a day
And I projected my soul thousands of miles away…

(Some Romanian song keeps me from writing, from trying
It makes me want to sing.
It makes me want to drink.
It takes me to my room crying)

It’s only been a few since the sun was dried up by the rain
But it’s only resting in peace, it’s never resting in pain –
Caught up in a cloud
That’s smiling at the crowd.

It’s only been a few since you said you don’t recognize the ‘me’
We’re all trying the best versions of ‘to be’
And we’re lucky to fancy what version goes best for the other –
It would be more of damage if we just didn’t bother.

It’s only been a few since the house looks dirty,
Since everything I do seems to be flirty,
Since days are short and nights are too alike
Jolly week-end when we take a hike,
Jolly merry days of newer aspirations,
Merry the days of blissful separations,
Merry the coming ‘back’s, merry the ‘stay together’,
Merry my umbrella in any kind of weather,

Merry this silly poem I’ve written late at night,
Because it’s only been a few of pink, black and white.

Lara Fabian - Caruso

2008-05-02T01:05:00.001+03:00

Seems like I've run out of words and resort to videos...but who could not get the shivers with this voice of Lara's?

I promise to write. It's just so much it only comes out in poems:)

Landing In London - 3 Doors Down

2008-04-30T00:24:00.001+03:00

Randomly found, but beautifully striking.
I wish I could hug each one of you in a breathless hug.
The way I do...

I am what you choose me to be

2008-04-27T14:14:00.003+03:00

Still new.
Here in this city of lights and rain.
I haven't yet written a poem that I'd like
I haven't touched no body's arm
Hardly touched somebody's soul

Still new.
In this country of flashy fashion and fuel for life.
I haven't yet made a statement. Wish I tried more.
I haven't discovered myself, still
There are others who think they did.

I am not beautiful.
That counts in a too small percent.
I am not diplomatic.
That counts to every extent...
And I wish I knew. I wish I cared.

Still new.
In this route 777 to a brigther future.
I wish I knew how to drive better this car...
I haven't yet fancied my destination
But I wonder if knowing it would do.

Still new.
Here in the eyes of a stranger who said
Had figured me out somehow.
It's like falling in love - get the shivers
But you don't know: should you get it going or not?

I want you - dear new culture.
You don't want me as much
Friends are changing.
I am changing.
Times change, too.

I am not beautiful.
That counts in a too small percent.
I am not diplomatic.
That counts to every extent...
And I wish I knew. I wish I cared.

I don't know who I am -
Not a segment.
Can't measure or define.
But equally hard to understand.

I am not beautiful.
That counts in a too small percent.
I am not diplomatic.That counts to every extent...
And I wish I knew. I wish I cared.

So I'm just what you choose me to be.

Meravigliose creature

2008-04-21T23:07:00.005+03:00

[Gianna Nannini - one of the 'must listen' all over the world]

[please click to enlarge]

There you have them - man, car, lyrics and music. Anything lacking?:)

Is Love a Losing Game?

2008-04-21T02:04:00.003+03:00

Not only because I am listening to Amy Winehouse...but also because I got a chat with one of my dearest friends - when somebody tells you that he/she cares about you, you just don't go around pumping your echo with that...

It has been so long ago (all my love stories with unhappy endings, as they have been a few...) and i don't care anymore, I'm looking in the future.

Only one thing to learn from here - it's not the merit of us who are loved, but the merit of those who do love us. And I won't go around telling people who liked me and who did not, this is a matter of two souls (supposing we all got souls and brains in the same percent) and not a matter of general concern.

Cheers!

Experience Certainty

2008-04-19T03:31:00.001+03:00

Some time ago I was standing in a super flat close to the centre of Bucharest and I was watching movies on youtube.com. A friend of mine had gone to Belgium and he was posting clips on internet with his company.

I also started searching and doing more than reading the TCS site. And I found The Clip. It looks damn professional and it also makes me proud...

It's not an easy thing to work in an Indian environment, but it is also a really touching experience - these people are so full of life, so able to make you feel you're alive.

I am so in the middle - Romanian at soul, becoming Indian, integrating in an English culture. I am a very stubborn person - I will not let anything break me. It is good, cause I am bouncing back quicker than most, but at the same time I gotta learn how to bent.

One of my coaches in my time in AIESEC, Doru, made once a drawing on a flipchart and explained us this concept - what's it like to be a 'cane': once touched by wind you bent till a certain extend (as much as you can) and than you come to your initial form.

I want to bent a little at work, bent a little while on streets of London, bent a little while on the phone with my Romanians.

In the end, I always stick to my own self. I don't know if it's good or not. I am still learning.

But each conversation or minute next to this people gets me inspired and makes me feel lucky. They are very smart and sensitive. They know how to make jokes, how to care about things which surround them, how to smile to you when eyes cross, how to wait for you to have lunch, how to be gentlemen and guide you home, how to let you in their houses and make you taste their food, let you in their lives and hearts.

I am in a very sensitive mood, maybe because of the warm shower, maybe because I have just visited a friend, seen hundreds of pictures of Europe on another's laptop, talked about Romania with two of my friends.

With TCS, though I am not an IT-ist and I still have a lot to learn about their way of doing HR, I am experiencing one single certainty - I will grow and I will never feel alone.

And I want to thank for that: to AIESEC, to Alm for supporting me, to Beb for having me near her, to Madalin for sharing information and helping me out, to people in RMG (MATC) team for their patience and to all the trainees in AIESEC who are so open and proactive.

What a list...someone was saying to me on the phone that I became selfish and, if things work ok for me then I don't think about the others anymore.

I am not sure on whether it is true or not, but even if so, tonight I am carrying in me only feelings of love and caring and being thankful for all that I receive.

And maybe soon I will also...experience certainty:)

fruta fressssca

2008-04-17T22:59:00.001+03:00

Carlos Vives, sapor colombian'!
:x:x:x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2008-04-13T16:24:00.003+03:00

This goes out to the ones I love:

Alex and Dee :x

Buckwheat Boyz - Ice cream and cake

2008-04-13T02:43:00.001+03:00

Because today
I love the guys in AIESEC UK

When a job becomes a second home

2008-04-11T00:06:00.006+03:00

I once had this interview with this girl who knew a lot about Marketing in ways I couldn't have imagined for a 25-year old.

She told me then a thing which others considered the sign of weakness: she needs to like people with whom she works because you get to spend with those people more time than you get to spend at home.

And here I am today, agreeing and being ready to embrace the idea. The reason why I didn't approve back then is very simple - I wasn't enjoying at all my team. Everything I was doing, I was doing for the candidates, as I met very special people. Many were at the other pole, but I only remember the good times...

Today, my boss takes me home in his car with another colleague, Jayasree - she takes care of me as if I were a baby and I like it. We always have lunch together and she takes the time to answer all my stupid questions. I only got to work the real work today and I am doing data bases and all but I cannot wait for that moment when I will actually interact with the people...

We had a telecon in the morning which was actually a simple call to a dear friend (and colleague in the RMG team) - Deepthi. Her mother died some days ago and they are trying to help her in every possible way to recover. It is impressing how much these people can care and can try to do all they can for their employees.

I don't want to say much for now as this is only the beginning, but I have had meetings and interviews...I have been in companies (or worked with them) and that shouldn't be a compliment, but a proof of lack of stability...Ant yet, what I see at TCS is a high interest in giving the best to people and offering them trust and support.

The vision of the old man TATA still goes on. And maybe it is not only TCS, it is the entire Hindi way of living and feeling which totally goes for me...besides the chats with friends and meeting in London each week-end these guys are all I have and I don't feel poor at all, but respected and trusted.

I have read more than I ever did in so few days...and when reading a material (PPT) I discovered a pic that totally inspired me and that I want to share. So here it is....

Last night I fell asleep with my laptop on speaking to Alm and Serban, listening to music and it felt really good. I afterwards had a dream I was leaning my head on the shoulder of a guy a little bit taller than me. It felt good, though it was a dream.

Anyway, have a look at the kinds and remember: RESPECT;)

I come ONE

2008-04-06T11:53:00.007+03:00

I wake up early this Sunday morning to look outside the window and see...it's snowning. It is indeed snowing for some time in Feltham, a small town near London. And I bet it's snowing in several other places aswell, in UK and outside UK.

Ten days ago I was walking on Bucharest's streets and then in its Tineretului Park to smell the blossoming trees and feel the sun, as a balm, caressing my skin and mind.

I get to live like a child - enjoying spring's flowers, being glad to see white snow on my window. I wake up in the morning and everything's so new that it makes me become one - an entire "I" whose soul has to adapt, learn, discover.

I dreamt that I was in a plane with a crazy pilot and we were playing with the clouds. It's somehow the way you feel when experiencing your new life in another culture - you're somehow hanging in the air, with only what is essential of you, and now, unless everything seems to make sense all of a sudden, you have to find a sense, make a way, come down from up into sky to a new ground and organize, express, understand.

My friends look at me and say and I am quiet and calm. It could be the age syndrome, it could be the change that I am experiencing, it could be that I became more mature, it also could be that I am not used yet to these people. But I feel good - like gathering pieces into a single piece.

'Cause I come ONE...

It is snowing and I am watching the houses all covered in white. It feels like childhood.

I have the Winamp open, like always. Faithless inspires me - how could I have thought of a better title for this post otherwise?:) I think Maxi Jazz is not only a great musician, but he would have had all the chances to become a great poet, too.

What a better way to describe the feeling of being one with the other than saying and writing:

All the subtle flavours of my life
are become bitter seeds
and poisoned leaves
without you
You represent what's true
I drain the colour from the sky
And turn blue
without you

It's maybe an unique moment in my life when I am not at all in love, when I don't regret a thing, when being single (not lonely) is not a heavy feeling. This time I am here for a whole year. In terms of a work contract it sounds so very few. In terms of adapting and living in all its senses it seems a long time. But it is plenty of time for me to become ONE, and who knows, maybe at some point in one afternoon or magic evening I and another "I" shall become ONE to find the beauty of living life in TWO:).

Well, let us enjoy the images of winter versus spring and listen to Faithless. It's worth the time investition!

About the lyrics i've preffered

2008-04-05T04:05:00.001+03:00

A moment in a million years - Scorpions

The lights are slowly fading down
There's no one else, just you and me
Nothing ever
changed
I see your faces in the crowd
It seems I know each one of you
For all my life

I wish this night could last forever
But it's time to go
I saw you laugh, I saw you
cry
All for one and one for all
Nothing ever changed
The way you sang just blew my
mind
It gave me chills from head to toe
What a glorious night
To me it could have
lasted forever
But it's time to go
A moment in a million years
Is all I've got
for you
A moment in a million years
To make some dreams come true
A moment that I
won't forget
Until the day I die
A moment in a million years
Called life.

The first days in UK

2008-03-29T21:44:00.003+02:00

My dearest dears,

I took a look at the pics and blogs Alm is reading and I see she's been always reading what I was writing...And I think there are probably some other friends of mine who do the same.

See, I always like to pretend I keep the distance, but I am so happy each time I find out you care. I didn't expect so many of my lovely friends being at the last party I threw, I didn't expect so many people calling me and wanting to help me, message me, support me.

You see, cultural shock is said to be easier for people who work in international environments or have travelled before...but it's not quite like that.'Cause comitting to a job and lifestyle for an entire year is loaded with all kind of responsibilities and energies.

I am pretty much relaxed and happy to be here, as I met a lot of people I knew or heard about in AIESEC. It's not tough. But still I did not get to my future working place and I am a little nervous...

I was saying to Dee - having you near me, here or far, gives me one single and oh so much necessary reason to give the best of me and try. No matter how hard it shall become.

I still feel lucky and safe. I had all kind of feelings -trembled, felt stuck, swallowed my tears not to let them fall. I feel you and know you're gonna miss me, but I want to leave you with a big smile upon your faces, beacause you have such beautiful faces, such beautiful expressions and gestures...

It was a quite nice flight, turbulences or no turbulences. With spicy people, a lot of Romanian gipsies and Englishmen who speak oh so very much. I had music from you with me, gifts you gave me with me, the book you offered me...What better way of saying good bye can one imagine?

I still feel fuzzy and need time to settle a little, but having the fresh energies you dressed me in, I think I can challenge myself and offer you the best of what I can become.

Stay tuned and do not ever forget: I LOVE YOU:)

Romanian Spring

2008-03-15T14:02:00.002+02:00

Romanian springs are not like anything else on Earth.
Romanian springs are a good moment to start all over again. And again:)
Romanian springs bring sunny beams in the window and lazy mornings and daffodils. And trees that blossom with a wonderful smell.

Romanian springs have music and wonders all together in their wings.
Romanian springs...

I have to write poems again. I took 10 days off to say "good bye" to Romanian springs. I feel like I'm gonna miss them so much:x. And the people blossoming alike them...

28th...Blue Air. White clouds. Lost myself.

I am so young of age but all that I essentially wish from life (besides a warm house and a car) is being able to see my family whenever I wish and be able to create a family of my own - I'd marry the right one tomorrow if I'd met him and if he'd promise me a baby.

Romanian springs are like nothing in the world, I tell you. Or maybe it's just the feeling of leaving them that makes me cerish them like I should...

LOL

2008-03-12T23:50:00.001+02:00

My dream is to travel to India. No link with the video whatsoever, but I still consider the guy who made the "translation" pretty funny.

Just because...

2008-02-25T19:34:00.000+02:00

...i feel Eric Clapton will bring the lovely nights back...

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."

For you, my DEARs

2008-02-13T20:23:00.003+02:00

hey,

tomorrow there's (quoting from my favorite gag) Americans' Lovers' Day:)

this day means nothing to me - it never did. not only because I have never had a lover during that period of the year, but mostly because i do not believe in fousfourescent colours and superficial images. i don't believe in kisses in the middle of the street exactly when the others are watching.

i believe in a love without ages, in Acceptance (no matter the rase, sex, religion), in a spicy love, in a quiet love, the kind you'd always go wispering in your lover's year while she's giving you her secret smile.

i believe in love - so much it might scare the hell out of my dear ones or make them feel highly spoiled and pampered.

i believe in love and i want to wish you, my dears from all over the world, a happy day of love (not more, not less than the other days, as i know you are SO ABLE to love). i wish you merry years on, new loves, new lovers, old fresh loves, old fresh lovers, i wish you hugs, i wish you understanding and i wish you peace of mind.

i don't believe in the 14th of Ferbuary, but like i said in my previous post, love cures, no matterwhich period of the year.

clean love,

Rox.

Love cures

2008-02-12T18:38:00.000+02:00

in the few spare minutes that i have, i always get in touch with the ones who're dearest to me.

and, while we both share a tear and continue working we talk about a friendship that stays through the years - the REAL things of life.

we continue doing what we're passioned about. and we also live the friendships we're passioned about.

we're sane and safe because love cures. the REAL love.

Consistency

2008-01-30T17:14:00.000+02:00

***
Maybe the lyrics also...

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

Relationship and Dating Trainer

2008-01-30T09:02:00.000+02:00

Not kidding, next to "Proffesional Window Cleaner" it's the next craziest thing I've heard about.

But I think I need one, too.

Maybe I need them both:)

For Anca and Beb

2008-01-26T11:58:00.001+02:00

Thanks for standing by me,

Hope everything's gonna be alright:)